Anything that starts with one hundred... is too much.

Since my last post... I did stop bleeding, thank goodness, this past Saturday, making that period a full two weeks.  Come Monday I called the office back and didn't get another call... until that evening, when the doctor herself called and left me a message - including her cell phone number.  So, on Tuesday I talked with her and her only suggestion was to try and 'reset' my hormones a bit by going back on birth control.  Her belief is that this is what my body would go to on its own if left unchecked.  How unfair is that?  I don't know what that means for future attempts, but I guess it's off the table right now anyhow.

You see, with some issues at work it would be a really bad time to be pregnant.  I can't help but count the months and say if I had not had the problems back in February I'd be showing by now... and worrying about losing your job or trying to get another one in that situation is horrifying.

The next turn of events is that the prescription she sent in does not have a generic, so I just got nailed with a $120 bill for three months worth of pills.  So not cool.

Still going.

Yep, still going.  A great way to celebrate getting another year older tomorrow too.

I called the gyn office on Monday and they called in orders for blood work - thyroid and prolactin levels, both of which came back normal.  I found that out by calling the next day to ask for my results.  So I asked "what do we do next", which seemed to throw the nurse that the test didn't tell me all was fine.  I've been waiting since for another call back, which she said she'd give me after talking to the doctor to see what we should do next.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this office and how much they seem to dismiss and let their patients fall through cracks?

Up until today I didn't have cramps and it was pretty darn light, to the point that sometimes it would stop, I'd not get something from bathroom trip to the next or when wiping and then have a gush that came through my shorts before I could get out of the house and past the neighbors in an attempt to go on a walk.  Today I started to get slightly crampy.  What does it mean, what is wrong with me, and why doesn't anyone care?

Even more chaotic.

With work being tentative at best after less than a month I am wondering if more things don't happen for a reason than we realize.  I could have easily been, what - 6 months prego - if I hadn't had a miscarriage and ready to lose my job.  Who hires someone that would be off within 3 months?  No one, that's who.  I guess I'm lucky in that respect.

My crazy periods haven't stopped either.  Here's what I've dealt with since April.  The pink days indicate when I've been bleeding.  Looks like fun, doesn't it?  Best part is seeing how I bled as I left for vacation last month AND as I came back from it.

All over the place

As mentioned in my previous post, I ended up early in May having a period that started on the 7th.  Based on that I should have had my next period on the 1st.  I took an ovulation test and had a positive when it was expected, so I was expecting a period on the 1st-ish.  Since then I ended up bleeding, lightly, for three days starting on the 25th.  Today, June 3, I am again starting to spot, which is probably the result of the positive OV earlier in May.  But seriously - and extra half period?

Definitely Not

My period was a full 6 days earlier than it should have been.  That in and of itself is a negative in my mind, but I DID think about the fact that the miscarriage a few months ago hadn't been preceded by a single missed period. I was going to drop it until someone else mentioned the very same thing.  So, today, post-period, I decided to go ahead and use a pregnancy test anyhow (today is when I SHOULD have gotten my period).  So, definitely have a negative test.  This one, unlike so many OV tests was quite clearly negative too.

So, as early as I went, in theory I could try again this month, as I wouldn't/shouldn't land near the holiday, but my OV is still looking to be around a weekend, so I probably should just let it go.  I can at least say thanks that this shift should mean I won't be dealing with it while away on vacation.

Bloat bloat bloat

I'm up another 5lbs in a matter of days, so I suspect it's not that I am not eating well but instead the imminent arrival of my period.  This tells me I probably never had a positive reading because it came even before the Friday I thought it did.  I have a little bit of blood, highly doubtful we're talking implantation anything, it's just a precursor to the coming period.  I guess we'll see when it truly starts to figure out how far off I was.

Blowing my (free) load

So to bring the world back up to speed... very negative for the weekend, some light blood (ovulation bleeding?) on Sunday, and not one, but two not quite positives on Monday to match Friday, Tuesday another very negative.  I had called the doctor's office on Monday and debated my options.

Note that if I sent the specimen back next month my ovulation is again near a weekend, but this time with a Monday that is a holiday.  June is vacation.  So I would have been paying for storage for 3 months.  Given that and the oddities this weekend the Midwife said let's do it.  Either way I feel the 'free' specimen was a loss - and it still cost around $500 between the price difference, shipping, and the actual IUI.

So, on Tuesday I was in the office once again for IUI.  I have zero hopes of it producing any results, but who knows, right?  Heaven knows my timing hasn't been right thus far.

Feeling the the world is against me.

I was woken this morning at 5am by pain near my left ovary area.  Pretty sure I was ovulating I then tested this morning when I got up and got a second line, paler than the main, but a line none the less - which is still suppose to indicate positive.  Mid-day I had a bit of a change in mucus, but not like it typically is... so when I got home I retested and got a negative (after the first test went haywire and gave me an invalid reading).  So now I really don't know what the deal is.

I guess I'll continue to test this weekend (pretend this morning didn't happen) and hope to get a positive later in at the end of the weekend - when it was suppose to come.  If not, I guess I have them ship it back, I pay for storage, and I pay to ship it back here again next month.  Gee, what a great savings this free sample is turning out to be.  :(

Fill up that tank!

Yet another tank with a specimen is on its way to my neck of the woods as of this afternoon.  I was able to pay the difference and order the ID option donor I had selected, amusingly he is already showing as C (call) on the website, indicating there is less than 20 IUI-prep specimens currently available.

I once again called the doctor first thing in the morning to schedule the appointment, got routed to the nurse line to schedule, and waited most of the day for a return call.  At least the first choice doctor is actually in the office on Tuesday, that's when I am anticipating the next attempt, given my game plan based on my previous post.

Selections made and now I wait

I neglected to report back after I narrowed things down to 4... and then 2.  Amusingly, I ended up with the tallest donor in the batch and one of the shortest (5'9" - that's pretty short for my tastes).  The first choice and taller donor is also ID option, which is great as that is originally what I had wanted to do.  Of course, this means his specimens are a little more expensive.  I have yet to see if I can pay the difference on my free specimen and use him late this month.  I should be ovulating again around the 30th.

ID option means if things work out with her sperm the child could obtain his name and basic information when they turn 18.  Of course, on the other hand I can also see a guy meeting his 30th child being less than excited and as the child might hope to be if/when they met.

Last week I didn't get the most solid reading of a positive ovulation.  There was a line, but it wasn't as dark as it should be - which according to the test is a negative.  I did however the next day have very light bleeding.  So as I was reading some other information I've come to learn yet something else new - that some of us (apparently I'm one of those someones) can have what is called ovulation bleeding.  How that makes sense I don't know but it seems to fit and would explain how many times when I've thought "you've got to be kidding - I'm spotting!"  So, that could be helpful to know to get my rear in for insemination.

Back on the hunt

Friday I called and coughed up another $185 to join Club Fairfax. It gives me one month access to the photos, interviews, etc and gives me $100 off of an order or shipping. So... I spent the weekend going through the CMV negative donors.

I've got to say there isn't one that pops like my previous selections did. Maybe I'm being too critical. They all mostly sound the same, except for one with an absolutely AWFUL voice that got him immediately crossed off of the list - I HAVE met people who sound like their father *shiver*

I quickly narrowed from the 47 options to 18. Two more were scratched out so far on this second, deeper pass. It would be easier if one really stood out more than the a bit too short for my liking guy. The best I can slate is for him and the perks there are that he's got blue eyes, is also a lefty, and doesn't wear glasses. There are some medical issues in the family on that one and no reported pregnancies. So... it all kind of evens the slate, and that's the most peaked option right now. Maybe I need to listen to everything again.

More delays... results... and new decisions to make

Well, I called them on Monday and left a message. The 'results' line even warns you it can take up to 2 days for them to return your call. :/ Sure enough, two and a half days later I got a call back (Wednesday), which I missed. Fortunately, when I called back they returned the call promptly.

My HCG was down to 7. My CMV is negative. So, that means I really should find a CMV negative donor. It's a little painful to put my previous two donor selections behind me. Unfortunately, there isn't a wealth of negative donors in the list of those I researched previously who are currently available. That means I have listening and reading ahead of me. I also might need/want to cough up the cash to get access to photos and full interviews (again). Boo.

Blessedly, this period is a little crampy (but managed w/ ibuprofen) and isn't overly heavy and appears to be tapering and looking to be a bit shorter than some have been. Now to remember to check for ovulation in two weeks!

Yearly Appointment

On Thursday I had an appointment with the gyn office. I'll suffice it to say that sincere apologies for what transpired and was missed in the translation from nurse to doctor were shared. She too ordered blood work. That's three times in one month. Again the HCG, I'm assuming looking to see it back under 5, something else I can't recall, and a test for CMV after I inquired. You see, CMV status is listed for donors, but despite 50-80% of the population being positive, I was never tested. Could it cause problems if I was negative and the donor is positive - it sounds like it. So, I guess we'll see where that comes back and go from there.

We are, at this time, planning for me to stop the pill this month (tomorrow will be my last one), waiting a month, and then using my free specimen in April. Fingers crossed that my body's timelines and things will go smoothly.

They said it.

Results back today on the second blood draw, only got them I think because I called there - which kind of irritates me. Down to 83.5 on the HCG, so dropping. The nurse I spoke with actually said it out loud that I definitely had a miscarriage, so there you have it.

I'm still hurting in waves. This morning and this evening walking out into the cold air just sent my bits into spasms. I took a warm shower and cuddled with the heating pad for an hour to get to the point that I'm writing this now.

Of course when I called the doctors were all gone from the office and she "didn't know what to tell me - go to the ER?" Why didn't I get a call back about the order for a sonogram that I had mentioned to the receptionist on Thursday when I stopped to get the order for the blood draw?

When the waves of pain hit the ER does sound like an option, but the panic that would ensue if a male doctor was ready to head down that way keeps me from going there. When I feel better, like now, I am able to delude myself for a short period of time that maybe, just maybe it will go away on its own.

Still!

The pain has continued. Let me tell you how displeasing it is to think it's just gas, eventually buy gasx and not see any changes. I'm presently resting on a heating pad, after a hot shower, waiting for tylenol to kick in to take the pain down a bit. Last night I was woken at 5am and a hot shower actually let me get back to sleep. Eating just adds pressure, so I need to eat smaller bits to keep myself going as to avoid the major issues.

So, on Tuesday I went to see my regular doctor, and after explaining things to her she too thought it was odd the gyn wouldn't want to see me. I was going to head for bloodwork anyhow, so she added a HCG test to that draw. Today's call said my levels were at 181. A non-pregnant woman would be <5. So, it is very possible I was, at some point. She wants a second test run, so I'll pick up those orders on the way to work tomorrow. I guess we're looking to see if those levels are dropping. In the mean time, I have to admit, it never crossed my mind to take one of my tests. They should register if I am above 50.

If I was then I can take away from this that my body does function and that fresh stuff, despite condoms, is definitely more functional than frozen. But it does leave me pensive.

More discomfort

I was feeling better, then a different type of cramping started last night disturbing my sleep. This was more like gas or preparing to move bowels type pain. It too comes in waves and has some rather severe points. I've gone three times today, so it's not bowel needs, and I'm not gassy or having other typical feelings that I get from gas. Bleeding is still slowed, about what it should be at this point, trying to stop.

Fortunately, I have a regular doctor appointment on Tuesday morning. Hopefully things will tame between now and then.

What a horrifying morning

Last night I slept so very little. I was awakened often with waves of cramps that have become way too much of the norm for my period as of late. Now, keep in mind as I tell this story this is the period after my second month back on birth control. I had started taking Vitex as well, which the Midwife had recommended. Yes, I had looked into it with birth control online and only saw warnings that it could lower the effectiveness of birth control, not of any worrisome potential repercussions. That said...

:warning - there will be rather graphic comments below:

Fortunately, I made it through the night. I got up to put the dogs out in the morning and felt the gush that comes with gravity pulling at my body, so I hustled to the bathroom. Wow was it heavy, shockingly heavy. I remain in waves of pain, but head into the shower to get cleaned up for work. While there and cleaning myself the blood is just RUSHING down my legs. I've never never never seen more than just a little bit of pinkish red when things are heavy and I'm in the shower. It just keeps coming. I gave a wee bit of a push and glop, glop, glop. Blood clots were pounding the bathtub - again, extra horrid and something I've never had happen before to this capacity.

As the shower water continues to flow so does the blood down my legs, this is starting to feel scary. The large clots that just came from me started washing towards the drain, all but one. I even tried kicking a bit of water at the last remaining large glop and it didn't budge. This is getting even scarier.

I wash myself again, and once again, red - not pink, water and soap is rushing down my legs. I decided to get the rest of me cleaned up so I can try to deal with the situation and then clean there again with the same result. I quickly dried myself off and wiped things up at the toilet to find more clots and more blood. I took some basic precautions and proceeded to try and get dressed to find I needed to rush back to the toilet several times to change things out to prevent bleeding out.

During the course of all of this I also gathered up the more mysterious clot from the tub, this thing had some substance to it. I'm now thinking I need to get ready for work, but stop at urgent care on the way to work, taking this rather gruesome talking point with me. I'm fine, I'm sure, but... scared, so I need to do something. What exactly came out of me? Why am I still bleeding like crazy in combination with some of the strongest cramps I've ever experienced?

Well, urgent care isn't open til 9. Ok, that's when the doctor's offices open too, so I head the rest of the way to work and rush in to tend to things again to prevent a bleed out before I get to my desk. The cramp waves are now worse than anything I've ever experienced, and I'm back in the bathroom several more times before I can call the gyn at 9. This is horrible.

I call and leave a message, as one has to do there ... and I wait. I've already decided I'm not taking the Vitex this morning, just in case. This time I only wait for about an hour for a call back *rolls eyes* The nurse collects info, I tell her everything including the scary clot, and she says she'll speak to the doctor and call me back. They finally call back around 11:40, after how many more waves of cramps and more urgent trips to the bathroom - including the one that seems also to be normal now which has me nauseated, drooling in preparation to vomit, and pale as a sheet for a good 45 seconds.

Stop the vitex, that w/ bc is causing this. Take 800mg of ibuprofin 3x a day for up to 5 days to slow the bleeding. They don't want to see me. I really think considering what I described coming out of me and how abnormal this is for me they would want to see me or the clot, something. Nope.

The larger amounts of midol I took in the morning had the cramp waves start to subside a bit by lunch time, thank goodness. As I write this they are pretty much gone and the bleeding has most definitely slowed to something that doesn't have me terrified.

I did pull the clot back out to try and move it around and there is chunkier things in it as well as a white type of tube-shaped something. I've googled the hell out of things looking for disgusting images of miscarriage materials to try and validate myself one way or the other.

So, is it possible that all this time, since last summer when I thought something 'changed' from the tries... maybe I was pregnant at some point, it wasn't viable and it just didn't clear out until after two months of birth control and then vitex working to regulate (it says do not take while pregnant)? Am I just crazy? I'm very tempted to take photos of what came out of me, it seems so wrong to toss it out and not try to know for sure what I'm looking at.

What an interesting turn of events in my world, no? The lack of response or seeming caring from the gyn's office troubles me even further. It's not like we did blood tests looking for pregnancies at any point.

Regular Appointment Made

Well, I scheduled a regular appointment with the midwife for next month. I figure I can get my yearly exams out of the way, have a talk with her about future options, and see if my recent concerns are unfounded. Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think everything is 'right' inside. It's not a pain really, just a feeling that occurs almost like a tightening muscle, I notice it mostly in bed when I turn a certain way, and it lands near where I'd think my left ovary is. Maybe I'm just getting old, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

It's just not the best circumstances.

The prices are going up for specimens, which presses me to think and make more decisions on timelines and such. This always brings me back to a few issues - all relating to where I am.
1). The lack of options if my ovulation lands on a weekend.
2). The less than involved doctor's office I have. I shouldn't have to be the one to bring up the conversation of using something to trigger ovulation, but I think that's where I am.

To be honest, I'm long overdue for a regular exam (fun), so I need to make an appointment anyhow. Perhaps it can be a talking appointment too so I can get their view, opinions, and see if MW V will be more on board and active in my quest, like I'd think she would be, vs Dr S.

Sadly, I suspect I won't get a pap appointment for over a month out. But, since I started another pack of pills on Sunday, is that a big issue? Probably not.

On another note, both of my favorited donors are showing as having IUI units available.

Fighting the Pills

All month my body has been fighting the pills. Some light spotting (less than what was occurring without) and the feelings of would-be starter cramps. I've experienced more down feelings than I was use to recently. Related? Maybe starting them again was a mistake. I don't know. I don't have immediate plans to try again, so I suppose staying on for a little while longer can't be that bad of a thing.

Quite Quiet

I've put myself on a wait for a few reasons. One, my desire to vacation with my niece in June, starting to see someone, and some issues with my body in general.

Needless to say being overly prego would nix a vacation. I did start seeing someone and I've told him that I was trying with donor sperm, but I do think it would be odd to be actively trying while with someone else, perhaps a mistake.

Finally, the issues with my body... which just had me start taking birth control pills again last night. As of tomorrow it will be two weeks straight that I've had bleeding of some type. I'm tired of bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. I cramped up on Saturday too, telling me that I was fixing for more blood. Now, combine this goofiness with starting to see someone and you can imagine my concern - what if I am not (only) ovulating when I think I am? There could easily be a big issue, which I'd rather avoid. For now I am just hoping that the pills will get me back to some level of normal - and not feeling like I am constantly bleeding or oozing (ovulation = thicker discharges).

I'll be back, at some point. But for now I am taking a break, and despite a bit of panic that I am half way to 37 and the audible ticking, now isn't the right time.