A comforting vision

I pray a lot for this kid.  On Friday I finished up my work a little bit early, although, not as early as I had wanted.  I took a few minutes out back pulling some weeds before I went to pick up Avery.  During my drudgery work I was praying.  My thoughts were about God always being with Avery and watching over her, that He would be with her and she would know Him.  I believe that children have an easier time hearing His voice, so I also prayed that she might be gifted in that regard.  I noted even in my prayers that I know we aren't to test God for 'signs' or 'answers'.

I then headed to get her from school.  We were headed for ice cream at Sarris because she had a banner day potty wise at school and because it was Friday -- we both deserved a treat.  I quickly realized we'd be crazy early for a curbside order, so I turned around to go to Dollar General.  Stopped at the light in front of the White Eagle club she says from the back seat "is that Jesus?"

I looked all around and no one was on the sidewalk there or near the parking lot on the side.  I asked her where and she pointed out the window in the direction I was looking.  Imagine my surprise as it settled in.  I asked her what he was doing and she said he was sitting there.  Thank you Lord.

Laying in bed I was curious so I pulled up the stereotypical photos of Jesus on google images and asked her who it was -- she said Jesus.  I don't have tons of pictures of him around the house nor do I recall pointing him out in the small cards I do have.  I am sure she's seen photos elsewhere, but stilll!

Who loves you?

It's fun to ask a 2 1/2 year old questions to see what type of answer you get.  Last night I asked her who loved her.  After the standard response of Mommy and Daddy she remembered that Jesus loves her and followed that with Mary!  We don't know a Mary, at least I don't think we do, so I like to think she's talking about The Mary.

Avery is doing well feeding herself things like yogurt without making a tremendous mess.  She's gotten so much better at pushing the pedals on her bike on her own.  She's having some good days and some less than great days with using the potty.  All in all, she may not be learning all of the things she'd learn at school, but she is picking up other things here at home.  I do need to keep pressing on getting her to spell and write her name, but we have time - lots and lots of time from the sound of it.

I have to be doing something right.

It's my job to make sure this little girl knows all about Jesus.  That's how I see it.  So we read the Christmas manger book whenever she wants, we say our prayers, we thank him, we go to church, and we even practice signing his name.

For a while I've been asking Avery what her dolly's name is and she simply says "Baby", so Baby it has been.  Yesterday I asked again and she told me her doll's name was Jesus.  Not only did she tell me, but she made her version of the sign for it too.  Good pick kiddo!

Leaving the hospital and finishing her first week

While I was discharged on Saturday, Avery had to stick around another night.  The hospital was amazing and allowed us to room in with her.  Since they weren't super busy we didn't even have to switch rooms, which meant we kept the large labor and delivery room for our entire stay.  I admit I wasn't as scared when the time came to pack up as I expected to be - but I did have butterflies.

We arrived here mid-afternoon and started trying to settle in a bit.  We've set up camp downstairs using the pack n play as her night time crib.  This way we both can see her directly from the couches where we've been sleeping.  I know we need to transition upstairs at some point soon, but we're working to get better at feeding for now.  The girls didn't really get bigger, I don't think.

She is the calmest baby, at least during the day, but at night it seems like another child emerges - one that had me wondering if sleep was a thing of the past.  Sure they say sleep when they do, but the sleep periods were so short that once I fed her, changed her, got her to wipe back out, pumped, cleaned up the supplies, I was lucky to get an hour before I had to start it all over again.

As things have moved forward I'm needing to pump less thanks to starting to get the hang of feeding, but I'm still keeping some in the fridge as backup.  I couldn't even be to this point if I hadn't taken my 4 day old baby out to the Le Leche League meeting.  I was to tears frustrated trying to get her on properly and feeling so desperate... so I went.  I left on Monday feeling like 50 lbs had been lifted from my shoulders and that there was hope.

It was no small feat as Monday was a big day.  We had her first pediatrician appointment, from there we went and picked up the dogs.  It worked out well that I then went to the Le Leche meeting as he was able to get the dogs settled back in at the house for a while before we returned.  So how are the dogs doing with her?  Well, they were a bit crazy at first.  I have to say Saf, my baby, did better than I would have guessed, and Dani ended up being weirder than I expected.  They are very interested in the baby, but doing well.  They're also sleeping with us downstairs (other than that first night) so they too are looking a little sleepy.

He returned to work on Wednesday but I was only truly alone here with her on Thursday as his parents were in since his father is doing some work here on retaining walls.  Of course with people here I didn't have a shot at sleeping when she did, so I really just started making attempts at that pattern.  I should be sleeping right now as he is out running for us and she is down, but there is so much to try and do that I often cheat myself.  I guess once I'm beyond exhausted sleep will win.

Weight has started falling off and I AM eating.  I'm sure I'll hit the wall on that too (very soon).  My belly button is starting to return to pulling back in (yay).  I also lucked out in the period department.  They kept telling me I'd likely have a very heavy period for up to 6 weeks, but it's been pretty light and dealable.

When Thursday at 3am hit we were just falling asleep.  I can't believe it's already been over a week already.

Trying to wrap things up and unwrapping more gifts

I did not get the items cleaned that I had hoped this past weekend, but I did get the cover off of the swing ready for the washer and the rest ready for a scrub down.

The gifts from the second shower that took place a few weekends ago were delivered to me on Sunday - so we sat down tonight and opened gifts.  I am pretty surprised by how many little outfits are totally my taste and something I would have picked out.  They also wrote on notecards name suggestions - many focused on rehashing my mother or grandmother's name.  I have videos to watch from their gathering still so there may be some more suggestions on there.  Best gift?  Sorry I have to give it - hands down - to the little bench Uncle Ronnie made for us.  I had one he made for me when I was little.  I sat in front of the tv with that thing propped in front of me for much of my younger years... and I probably ate a ton of peanut butter sammies on it.  To see it brought a huge smile to my face and a tear to my eye.

Side note there is officially nothing left of my belly button.  It is no longer concave in any capacity.  Looking at it straight on it looks a little like a sideways pig nose (two little divots).

I also finally caved and made a call to the nurse line today.  My weight gain has slowed...and even comparing to last Monday - I lost two pounds.  Sure, my ankles aren't as swollen, but after reading those other articles I just had a moment and wanted to hear some reassurance from the doctor's office that I shouldn't worry as long as I continue to feel her moving at a normal pace.  Believe me, not gaining more weight is NOT something I intend to complain about.

Local Le Leche League and Pediatrician

Last night I made my way to a local Le Leche meeting.  Fortunately one of the local groups has evening meetings.  Many tend to meet during the day mid-week, go figure.  There were three other ladies there last evening, so it was comfortable and not too overwhelming for me.  I admit I had some fears about people being super free about breastfeeding, but people stayed covered, so I didn't mentally freak out.  Everyone was very friendly.  I can see myself going back.

I also neglected to report that we met with the recommended pediatrician last week and were very satisfied with our discussion, so we've got a doctor lined up for our wee one!  She is available to come to the hospital for first checkups etc, is onboard with some of our opinions, and offered a great deal of information and dialog.

In other news I am officially heavier than I've ever been.  Today is week 31, so 9 weeks to go, so I am guessing that will tick up by another 10lbs, which would put me at a 35lb gain.  That is at the top end of allowed gain - IF I had started out at what they consider to be a healthy weight.  Since they classify me as overweight (and a mere 2 or 3lbs under what they'd say is obses) based on BMI I'll be 10lbs over what they would want, easy.

I still think if I'm that close to 'obese' they need more categories because there has to be somewhere to go from there given the tremendous (word selected on purpose) variety of even larger sized women I encounter on a very regular basis.

I also have the hospital packing list started.  I want to start setting stuff aside, being the crazy planner I am.  After all, I need to get my stuff in order so I can then start telling him what all he needs to get in order, right?

Sugar sugar... awwww honey honey

My glucose results are back at 114.  From what I had read online the number to be under was 140, but my office sets the threshold at 135.  Regardless, I'm good to go.  What a relief!

Anatomy Scan Ultrasound

One day can offer so much to update on!  Yesterday we had both the anatomy scan ultrasound and a regular monthly appointment at the obgyn.  I'll start by saying that the tech commented that "everything was normal", but only after she had answered a question I had by saying she "wasn't allowed to give results", so for whatever that's worth.  I'm hopeful that I will get a call from the obgyn as well when they have/review all of the information to confirm the same.

I'll also throw these right here:

The tech did her work and then took a break to have me empty my bladder and move around to try and get kiddo to be a little more cooperative so she could get a few more images she needed.  At one point the tech commented about how calm she is.  I take that as a good thing - I'm keeping my stress down, yay me!  Everything we saw looked good (two arms, two legs, feet w/ toes, hands w/ fingers etc).

I will say I'm disappointed with the videos we got.  There are about 16 3-second clips on the DVD.  Sure there are a few little moments caught that are pretty cool, like when she was opening her mouth right before she then put her hand to her mouth like she was going to suck a thumb (but then it looked like she instead stuck a finger up her nose).  I guess I just expected something a little longer.

At the regular appointment a little later the heartbeat was still in a good range and no issues there (no blood draw either - yay!)  My weight is creeping up now, I will need to be a little more careful w/ my junk intake if I want to stay under the number I had in my head by the end, but I'm still in a healthy range.

We did stop at a consignment sale twice in the past week at which we managed to score a like-new boppy pillow w/ cover and a very clean pack n play w/ a changing 'tray' and mobile - both at a fraction of the new price.  There is so much STUFF for kiddo already it's crazy.  How can something so small have so much stuff that takes up so much space?!

Thump thump thump

A couple of days after the first hcg bloodwork we did another and I went from the 230k range to the 280k range.  At that point, my doctor wanted me to get an ultrasound scheduled.  Given that I am relocating very soon and eager to dispose of the ob/gyn in my current location we came to the agreement that I would scheduled my first appt with an ob/gyn out at my new location and they would get me into the local ultrasound.

This morning I went for the ultrasound still have afraid we'd see only an egg sac, or no heartbeat, or something else entirely - who knows, when I got up this morning one thing was for sure, it still wasn't 100% real.

Well lo and behold boom.  Within seconds she had this in view and seconds later a solid 167 bpm heartrate thumping away.

A few minutes and measurements later and I'm told I am at 9w 6d, which is about spot on to where I guessed based upon what I know for sure.  They also gave me a due date of August 29. I'd rather not have an August baby for a few reasons, so a couple of days late and into September would be nice.

Regardless, this right here is insanity to me but here it is.  I know we're still early, but seeing arms and legs (one of those arms was even taking little jabs), hearing a heartrate, and knowing that despite my lack of morning sickness or other tell tale signs, tells me this is for real.

A major shift has occurred since my previous post.
First:  I have purchased a clearblue fertilization monitor and sticks.  It arrived a bit too late to start using it this month, but next month I'll be using that.  I've been using my old pee sticks this month and here I am still getting negatives and wondering if I'll see a positive at all.

Second:  I put on the big girl panties and visited with a male gynecologist that one of the midwives recommended I speak with.  Since she had also dismissed the idea of using a trigger shot due to other risks I felt all was lost, but I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed we needed to move in that direction since my periods when I was last off of birth control were rather erratic.

This means I may need to find a way to come to terms with having a male gyno.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  He also sent me for another blood draw for an anti-mullerian hormone assessment, which will give us some insight as to my ovarian reserve.  The results of this test could shoot things out of consideration.  So now, we wait and track for a little while.

Visiting with a friend

So, I visited with a good friend who's baby is now two months old! First time I got to meet the baby, unfortunately. I really expected her to tell me things that would scare me off:
- how hard it is and tiring to have a baby
- how awful labor/birth was
etc, etc

Instead she noted that the birth itself wasn't bad, but she wasn't prepared for the labor pains and that it's hard work, but not THAT bad. The baby slept through dinner, and was perfectly peaceful, so that was comforting too.

I still need to just think that I'll try as planned this fourth time, and then I should qualify for a free specimen for the fifth try and then reassess from there. Heaven knows the financial Gods have helped line things up in the past two months to make sure that isn't a factor at this time, so let's go.

Vacation is over

I've looked at the past month and a half as vacation. Granted, there was a genuine vacation in there too, which is why I couldn't try at the beginning of August. For that matter, the lack of guaranteed work at the end of August had me worried until I returned from vacation. The good news is I am covered and confident again.

At present I have my period. It is, once again fraught with major cramps and had an odd start, which seems to be becoming my norm. The good news is it started a few days later than expected, which means for the first time in forever my ovulation should be expected during the week of September 5th, not the weekend!

On other news, my first donor, 2976, has become available in IUI once again. I guess this means I have to make a decision in the next week and a half as to which to use this round. 2976 was the preferred donor, but his sample was less than productive, and 4102 the second choice, which looks like he's starting to run low.

I'm pretty thick, but... I hear you!

Ok, often 'signs' from a higher power seem to be so obscure and you can only see them clearly long after you missed them, right? I have to think that the praying and thinking I was doing yesterday on my drive home - as well as the 'deciding' I thought I was doing - all got an answer today.

First, it's a bit early, but I always start the OV tests a bit early. Today's failed, it had a bad result, okay, that's odd. Then I called to make an appointment for Friday and/or Monday at the gyn. My doctor is normally out Mondays, which I knew, but guess what - she's out Friday too. So is the midwife who I was hoping to schedule with as she was much less painful and created a much less bloody result. So both are out Friday and the nurse doesn't know if the other females there do IUIs. Really? I know for a fact, since one of them did my first one! But they didn't know, so no appointment Friday, but they said the midwife IS there Monday. A lot of good that does me if I am ovulating late this week and not early next week, right?

With the shipping timeline factored in I basically had to scrap this month. Next month, as previously mentioned is scrapped due to being out of town. So, where does that leave me? It sure sounds like someone is trying to tell me something. Of course, is that answer one in the same - does it mean I should be working to get the heck out of PA too?

Try three, part B

Guess what... still no positive ovulation test this morning, but since the tank was only good to today I went ahead and did what we needed to do. The appointment was not with my normal doctor as she is in surgery on Mondays, instead with a midwife (one that several friends spoke quite highly of). I'll give her this, I did feel comfortable with her to converse immediately, and it hurt a hell of a lot less than the attempt last week and hasn't resulted in anywhere near as much blood. Then again, it could be timing related too.

She did give me some hope however in offering three days as still being the viability of frozen sperm. It gives me some hope - providing of course I ovulate this week, which if my second period in May hadn't come early, is when I would have been suppose to ovulate. So now I'll keep an eye for ovulation by Wednesday morning before I give up hope on this attempt.

Doubt and reassurance?

I have been quiet lately because I'm starting to think that perhaps the cart is in front of the horse with  my desires.  After all, work is questionable in the near term and to move elsewhere and get another job in the early months of a pregnancy or in the midst of trying to get pregnant seems less than ideal.

Tonight I hung out with a friend and her 4 year old daughter.  The cute things she did and the hugs I got tore my draw in the opposite direction.  I've always thought I'd be a-okay after the fluid-soaked years were over, so that isn't a surprise.  I've gawked at adoption sites for what, 9 years now, off and on.  Is that so wrong for me to consider?