Please hold... your call is important to us.

While I continue to work I have been sitting on hold a bit this morning.  First a call to Vital Records to make sure they received and processed the correction from the Acknowledgement of Paternity paperwork.  Then messing around to order a new birth certificate.  $30... because THEY screwed up and sent our original AOP back instead of processing it.  That pleased me.  Best part - it could take up to 14 weeks to get it.

Now I'm hold once again waiting for the Social Security Office.  I hope they pick up before I need to be on another call for work or my hour long wait will be for naught.  If they still can't help me now that I have _a_ copy of her birth certificate w/ a record number on it I'll be very displeased, especially since I'll be at a total of 2 hours on hold for this matter.  Why why why didn't they do their job and process her SSN?

Update:  They answered just in time... but of course, cannot help me, because - get this - I don't have her social security number.  I have to go into the office with her birth certificate AND a shot record (uhhh).

The big show

Spoiler alert:  I am back dating this post to the date and time all of this started to happen.  You can probably guess how it ended.

So the doctor had arrived by the time we got to pushing.  I remember that they wanted me to try to push before I was fully dilated.  At that point, they suggested some pitocin to finish my cervix out that last half centimeter or whatever.  I had a hep lock in as my intention was to go no drugs (you'll note I have NOT mentioned pain medication to this point.  I'm going to bring it up again because I'm hella proud) - so it was pretty easy to get that on.  After the pitocin did it's job it was show time.

I'm told I pushed for about an hour and a half.  Fact is, I don't understand how ANYONE with pain medication or feeling blocking medication could ever possibly push a child out.  You have to be so aware of what you feel working, and even when you can feel it working it is very hard to get right back into that same feeling with the next round.  It also helped to have the doctor placing fingers to give me an area to focus on.  At some point they put oxygen on me and it gave me a moment of clarity in the midst of the mental avoidance of the pain where it hit me and I remember asking if they were worried about the baby.

That last little bit did indeed hurt like crazy.  But then she was here, in this world.  They placed her on me for a rather short period of time as she was grunting rather than crying and they wanted me to get a moment but they also wanted to take care of her.  It seems like while she didn't poo before my water broke, she did somewhere between when it did and when she arrived so they had some concern there, although that wasn't necessarily the breathing thing.

It wasn't long at all before my placenta was out... I'll do the follow up comments here as it seems relevant:  they later assessed the placenta and saw no cause for my bleeding in the week leading up (as in it was not deteriorating or starting to separate from my uterus, so it wasn't causing her to not get enough oxygen and create any other issues there).

After a little while with Daddy watching over her on the sidelines they took her away to the level 2 nursery.  Return reports said that blood worked showed some of the white blood cells were elevated, so they started an IV, at which means she needed to stay in the level 2 nursery until that was removed.  It also means she was receiving fluids, so she wouldn't be getting early early milk - a big disappointment to me.  She remained there with both the IV and oxygen for the first twenty four hours.  As the blood levels started to normalize we started bringing her pumped colostrum they were able to slowly bring the level of IV fluids down.

Once we were to a safe level she was returned to our room at 2am - 23 hours after her birth.  They then were testing blood sugars, which seemed to be too low and lower each time a test was taken after each meal.  So we had another slight worry on our minds.  If it had gone any lower she would have needed to head back to the level 2 nursery.  Fortunately, a secondary type of test showed things were okay and suddenly the in room test was starting to give better readings (thank the Lord).

All of this did still mean that she was not going to get released with me the next day (Saturday).  Fortunately, the hospital gets it - and they allowed us to stay another night after I was discharged to room in with her.  We also got lucky and the L&D department didn't get over run so we got to stay in the larger room the whole time.  It was nice to have meals coming from the cafeteria and attentive care and guidance from the whole staff (nurses, peds, lactation consultant, and even the clean up and meal delivery folks) - truly, I appreciate what they did for us.

Other things that surprised me:
- You spend hours with a conscious exhale going on to breathe away the pain.  Then you get to pushing and their expectations of you to hold your breath for 10 seconds x 3 feels like an absolute eternity.
- This shouldn't really surprise me, but - Good golly, having an oxygen mask, doing all of that breathing with your mouth open, and allowing a few screams (oh yes I did) out sure dries out your throat.  I ended up asking them for losenges.
- Again, no pain drugs.  I did it!  This is the one thing I wanted so much as I do feel that one intervention leads to another.  I had my doubts (and voiced them) even before we left the house with the doula.
- After the head came it felt like a limb, another limb, another limb, another limb... also came.  Did I just give birth to an octopus?

To make the formal announcement:
Avery Violet joined us on Thursday, August 24 at 3:05am.  She was 7 lbs, 15 1/2 oz, and 19".  My good girl listened and waited to not be a Leo!

Leading up to the big show

Spoiler alert:  I am back dating this post to the date and time all of this started to happen.  You can probably guess how it ended.

Around 2am the pain began.  I couldn't get comfortable on either side as the cramps started.  I kind of knew it my heart it was the start of labor - like I said in a previous post, I was looking for signs - but I had no clue how much so.  While I couldn't sleep I sent a few messages on to my guy that made it sound like I felt something was definitely going on.

By 4am I turned to my back and managed to get comfortable and fell asleep.  I was up with my alarm and at my work desk.  All morning I could feel things going on but I was waiting it out to get confirmation at my noon doctor's appointment.  My guy went into work briefly and then came this way to join me at the doctor's appointment (at his suggestion).  I kind of thought I'd get to the doctor and she'd say congrats you're now 2cm.  Imagine my surprise to learn I was at 4cm!  She asked if I wanted to head to L&D as she was willing to send me and she thought for sure we'd see her on that day.  This was definitely happening!  We opted to go home and labor there as long as possible - and to get the girls to camp.

We were to have a meeting at my place w/ the doula this evening, so I guess she was coming either way.  Later in the afternoon things were getting rather unpleasant and by the time she arrived I was already waffling if we should just meet her at the hospital or what.  I'm not sure how long the doula was here, but for a little while before we headed out - and the rest of the times get muddled in my head - but we got to the hospital just as the sun was setting (which I googled was at 8:09).

Upon arrival I was 7cm.  I gotta admit there are lots of bits and pieces missing.  I remember getting out of the car and into the wheelchair and the ride to triage.  I don't recall getting my clothes off in triage or moving to the room just down the hall where I labored.  There are plenty of pieces of the labor - mostly waves of pain that I do recall.  I think I spent most of it - or at least until Dr P got there with my eyes closed just trying to get through.

I remember the nurse coming in to check me again so the doctor could decide if she needed to get in there.  I do remember my guy commenting that it was 11pm. Not sure when Doc arrived.  But I know we didn't start pushing until what is technically 8/24.

TMI Warning: Looking for signs

TMI warning:  I expected to spot after being checked last Wednesday.  There was a little but not as much as I thought.  It has however continued being a pink tinge on any mucus that is wiped.  Is that still from the cervix check or is it part of a natural progression?  I had a small, I don't want to call it a clot but it seemed more like a clot - but not what I'd expect for a 'bloody show' based on reading/descriptions.

Thicker glops of discharge continue (periodically) but that's been happening for weeks, not sure it's pieces of mucus plug. I have felt pressure and even at times like I need to poo but I am not prepared to do so.  I guess it doesn't matter since none of this means anything is imminent since everyone is different.

I guess I'm officially looking forward to Wednesday's appointment to see if we've progressed at all.

Girl has also taken to not just pushing her butt out above and to the right of my belly button but also pushing out a leg or something to the left of my belly button.  She's definitely feeling cramped in there.

Holding on the launch sequence

My blood pressure remains good and our little one's heart rate remains in the 150s.  Today I had my first exam to find we're at 1cm, 50% effaced, and -2 station.  So really, no progress at this point.  I really need to get out and walk - but with the pressure I've been feeling I can imagine that would feel rather horrendous to get too far from the house w/o something to lean on.  Is it wrong to think that maybe walking w/ a shopping cart is a good idea... even if I don't need to be shopping?

I had a miserable night of sleep too, in part thanks to ice cream we went for around 8.  I kept tasting it through the night if my head lulled too far to the side or I was trying to sleep on either side.  Bleh.  Still not screaming and crying to be done, but I am ready to see some action if for no other reason than to avoid feeling the pressure of being late.

Soon enough

I remember looking at posts announcing a new baby (on facebook) with happiness for the parents but that tinge of jealousy that was all too palpable.  Now as I scroll and see new babies all I can think is _soon_... very very _soon_.  I've waited a very long time and it still almost doesn't seem real.

On the other hand I have friends that post their pain and anguish after loosing a baby.  I have no words to offer comfort and I'll admit moments of guilt for posting my joy and moments of worry that I could still very easily end up in their shoes.  I refuse to sit and worry about these things as I know that one ounce of worry does nothing for me or the baby, but the thoughts are there.

The countdown is on

A couple of days ago it settled in that we had one month left, oh man... and now today, it's August, the actual month she is due in (even though chances may be good she'll wait til September).  I feel like there is a giant countdown clock that just lit up.

My weight did start to go up again, so that tick downward might have been water, or it could be because of the cooking.  With my sister visiting she took to the store to gather more supplies and got cooking yesterday while I finished up my work afternoon.  I joined her after work and all in all we ended up with:  kale lasagna roll ups, squash casserole, crispy chicken and rice casserole, chicken and cauliflower casserole (a la Slippy's recipe modified from broccoli), "incredible" chicken, a tray of honey lime chicken enchiladas that are amazing(!), and two loaves of banana bread following the recipe I pulled together a few weeks ago.  We were so whooped last night.

Last chance to come really early!

Ok kiddo.  This is your last chance to come really early... after today you need to wait until August 23rd (yeah, I really don't want a Leo).

I may change my mind in coming weeks if my ability to get a good night's sleep remains as it has been the past two nights.

Some Positive Negative Results

Cystic Fibrosis negative.  No UTI this time.  The MaterniT21 test isn't back yet.  Hopefully the nurse will be the one to call instead of the doctor when it does arrive - we all know what that would mean.  I do feel I'm good to go - but I guess I'm eager for the results to also find out gender.  I didn't realize I was so eager to get that answer until the blood was drawn.

A positively long time since I posted

It has been a long time since I posted here.  About a month after my last post I went on vacation with some friends.  One big thing happened as a result of that trip - one friend is no longer a friend, we started dating.  Picture the television whispy mist as two and a half years have now flown by.

I should catch you up on other things relevant to this blog that have transpired since then.  I was having some pains and abnormal bleeding.  With a few checks I learned I have a couple fibroids, nothing abnormal for my age.  More time passed, I was back on the pill for a while what with the new relationship and all, but went back off to try and get my body to regulate a little as I continued to bleed in the middle of the month while on the pill.

I've gone back and forth between the ob/gyn and my regular doctor, as the ob/gyn office sounds eager to help one minute and then blows me off with a "well I'll see you next year" the next minute.  My regular doctor ordered tests similar to those I most recently reported as having indicated bad mojo for how long I have and how many viable eggs I have.  Guess what, they never told me those tests need to be run at a certain point in the cycle - so this time things came back looking fine.  So my mind was at ease about the whole situation - all the while I am still not getting any younger.

A few months back I had the conversation about kids with my guy and indicated my concerns that I am almost out of time.  Much to my surprise we dispensed with the use of protection.  I wouldn't say I was actively trying because I wasn't tracking anything other than making a note on the calendar as to when I was bleeding - which was still more often than not, twice a month.

I know from my experience 5 years ago that I'd be a good candidate for a toilet baby.  I'm sure you're horrified reading that statement, but it's true.  I didn't realize I was pregnant when I had my miscarriage in Feb 2012.  I had some minor awareness that something was different, but I thought it was a cyst on my ovary or something.

I found myself a week ago commenting to a friend about pain when I rolled a little in bed to get the remote from the nightstand and how it wasn't a cramp and the pain went away instantly, just a quick jab.  Her comment "sounds like round ligament pain" and she commented about taking a test when she realized I was a couple days late for my period (I had not bled midmonth either - that was the second month that looked like it was going to be a full 28 day cycle).  I thought this was ridiculous because nothing had "happened since my last period".

Still, it got in my head.  I have tests at home, so on Friday I took one and boom.  So I did a second.  Still yes.  Mind blown, this can't be what it looked like I turned to the Internet.  Warning:  you know the internet will scare the crap out of you, so why do we do it?  After I was done I was even less in belief because I didn't have ANY of the classic 'symptoms'.  The one test told me I was 30% pregnant based on my answers *laugh*.  Instead I thought it could be issues with my kidneys, or possibly a growth on my ovaries or bladder (which should have been noted during the transvaginal ultrasound a year prior for fibroids), or simply my age.  Did you know that periomenopausal women can toss false positive tests because hcg starts to get produced at lower levels?  Me either.

I had just been in for typical yearly bloodwork - like JUST there - so I waited it out to see those results first.  When the blood workup came back looking good (no indication of infections etc) I asked the nurse to contact my doctor to request a blood test for a quantitative hcg.  I went that evening and my doctor was calling the next morning.  My number was 200,000.  Defn not "my age".

Since we're not really sure how far I am given my period in December after anything physical last happened we're approaching a little slower.  We'll do a second blood test on Monday to see if the numbers are still going up and then prb an ultrasound.  She didn't want to rush to that because of the fear it would be too early and you wouldn't find a heartbeat when there really would be one to find - soon!

I'm fighting to not let this get too real just in case.  But wow.  For now, one day at a time - and that includes finding a way to tell him I think I may be when we're together this weekend.

I can say that maybe it's mental, but in the past week I've definitely taken on the sleepy as all get out and wanting to eat everything in the world stereotypical behaviors.

What Progress?

Five months later and I am still asking myself the very same questions.  I am finally back to a point where work is a little more stable, so that factor is lessened.  The quest for Mr. Right continues to be a very short story.  I've also planned vacations out to the end of 2014, which seems ridiculous, but it is another thing that would need handled if my child-status changed.

Since my last post I attended a work event that was family oriented.  I have to say how shocking it is that it seems like not only has everyone there reproduced, but they've done so 3, 4, or 5 times.  It's tough to swallow sometimes.

Watching time passing...

Nothing much to say as of late.  I remain on birth control, enjoying the shorter, less painful, and more predictable periods, but a bit pensive as I watch more time tick by.

In the mean time I've started eyeballing adoption websites again.  I just can't imagine those challenges in addition to conceding that I would not have someone that was _of_ me.  Now that's not what is stopping me, I know many kids out there need someone and yes, I'd love them and do the best I could for them.  I know too that adopting doesn't prevent me from finding Mr. Right and having one of my own either.

Adoption for me would probably not mean a baby.  As a single woman, I know some places would still shy away from me.  Heck, I look at profiles of older kids who state how they'd love to have a mom and dad and even siblings and realize how short I would fall of their expectations as well.

I guess right now I am just circling and trying to figure out what to do.  I know that lack of action doesn't slow down the clock.  What to do?

Still going.

Yep, still going.  A great way to celebrate getting another year older tomorrow too.

I called the gyn office on Monday and they called in orders for blood work - thyroid and prolactin levels, both of which came back normal.  I found that out by calling the next day to ask for my results.  So I asked "what do we do next", which seemed to throw the nurse that the test didn't tell me all was fine.  I've been waiting since for another call back, which she said she'd give me after talking to the doctor to see what we should do next.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this office and how much they seem to dismiss and let their patients fall through cracks?

Up until today I didn't have cramps and it was pretty darn light, to the point that sometimes it would stop, I'd not get something from bathroom trip to the next or when wiping and then have a gush that came through my shorts before I could get out of the house and past the neighbors in an attempt to go on a walk.  Today I started to get slightly crampy.  What does it mean, what is wrong with me, and why doesn't anyone care?

Bloat bloat bloat

I'm up another 5lbs in a matter of days, so I suspect it's not that I am not eating well but instead the imminent arrival of my period.  This tells me I probably never had a positive reading because it came even before the Friday I thought it did.  I have a little bit of blood, highly doubtful we're talking implantation anything, it's just a precursor to the coming period.  I guess we'll see when it truly starts to figure out how far off I was.

Selections made and now I wait

I neglected to report back after I narrowed things down to 4... and then 2.  Amusingly, I ended up with the tallest donor in the batch and one of the shortest (5'9" - that's pretty short for my tastes).  The first choice and taller donor is also ID option, which is great as that is originally what I had wanted to do.  Of course, this means his specimens are a little more expensive.  I have yet to see if I can pay the difference on my free specimen and use him late this month.  I should be ovulating again around the 30th.

ID option means if things work out with her sperm the child could obtain his name and basic information when they turn 18.  Of course, on the other hand I can also see a guy meeting his 30th child being less than excited and as the child might hope to be if/when they met.

Last week I didn't get the most solid reading of a positive ovulation.  There was a line, but it wasn't as dark as it should be - which according to the test is a negative.  I did however the next day have very light bleeding.  So as I was reading some other information I've come to learn yet something else new - that some of us (apparently I'm one of those someones) can have what is called ovulation bleeding.  How that makes sense I don't know but it seems to fit and would explain how many times when I've thought "you've got to be kidding - I'm spotting!"  So, that could be helpful to know to get my rear in for insemination.

Quite Quiet

I've put myself on a wait for a few reasons. One, my desire to vacation with my niece in June, starting to see someone, and some issues with my body in general.

Needless to say being overly prego would nix a vacation. I did start seeing someone and I've told him that I was trying with donor sperm, but I do think it would be odd to be actively trying while with someone else, perhaps a mistake.

Finally, the issues with my body... which just had me start taking birth control pills again last night. As of tomorrow it will be two weeks straight that I've had bleeding of some type. I'm tired of bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. I cramped up on Saturday too, telling me that I was fixing for more blood. Now, combine this goofiness with starting to see someone and you can imagine my concern - what if I am not (only) ovulating when I think I am? There could easily be a big issue, which I'd rather avoid. For now I am just hoping that the pills will get me back to some level of normal - and not feeling like I am constantly bleeding or oozing (ovulation = thicker discharges).

I'll be back, at some point. But for now I am taking a break, and despite a bit of panic that I am half way to 37 and the audible ticking, now isn't the right time.

And then some...

Yea, I'm still getting some clots and bleeding, it slowed down such that it's only occurring when (TMI-warning) I poop, but still... *sigh* the rest of the time I am getting a light (in color and in amount) brown bleeding. Now THAT is consistent with potential implantation bleeding, but I'd only consider that a possibility if there wasn't the clots and other, fresh blood.

Ovulation Achieved

Finally body. I had a positive ovulation test this evening. Amusingly after 2 weeks of tracking my resting body temp it didn't spike this morning, so how accurate is that?

Having done the IUI Monday afternoon, knowing that some (frozen) sperm can live 3 or maybe 4 days after, and that it takes anywhere from 12-36 hours after LH surge to ovulate where does that leave me? Unlikely, but, at least there is a remote chance. At least it makes it easier to turn down the alcohol at the upcoming company picnic, as if the 17 day diet I've started wasn't enough.

Waiting for a surge

Depending on how long my luteal phase really is I should be ovulating soon. Two specimens of 4102 are in FedEx's hands right now, and should arrive tomorrow. I've got an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, and another for Thursday afternoon, but may end up needing to shift tomorrows if the test doesn't say I am ovulating. I've also actually been taking my resting temp the past several days, hopefully I can correlate the temp spike with a positive LH surge.

Go figure that it was so early the past times, how much do you want to bet it will be late this time? The specimens shipped on Monday, so they'll be good through this coming Monday, hopefully I won't need to buy myself more time than that.