I could do without for another year

I am reminded of the scene in Sixteen Candles where Sam's sister is about to be married and the mother says something to the effect of "I don't want to tell the whole church she has her period!"  Well guess what "church".  I had some pain a little while back, I guess that was ovulation, because it's definitely back.  I had some spotting once before too, but not something I'd call a real period.

This coincides with another drop in production - I'm getting so very little milk that I do think it's time to all but stop.  I will try to nurse her in the morning when we get up and maybe pump once during the day for now to see how long that lasts.

I'm sad about it, I've been sad that I haven't been able to make that the primary method for a while now.  There is this huge feeling of not being able to go back too.  I'm trying to focus on how much of a time savings it will be.  If we're up early in the morning it will be hanging out with Avery not feeding feeding feeding.  I won't need to be topless and freezing at multiple points during the day.

Some decisions are made for you

No matter how hard you may resist, some decisions are made for you.  For me, this is when to stop breastfeeding.  The major drop in what I was able to pump when Avery started going to daycare was immediate.  It's only been a week but it's becoming very clear that the end is near.  Today I noticed that the tips of my nipples have hickeys on them from the pump and I'm lucky to get a full ounce in twenty minutes and two cycles on the pump.

Amusingly they don't hurt - and that's a bad sign.  The lack of them being delicate is probably because things are drying up.  The nail in the hormonal coffin was seeing how much hair came out when I washed my hair tonight.  I'm going to keep trying to put her on, but I am starting the hunt for the best deals on formula and we'll see if liquid or powder seems more the way to go.

Just be happy I made it nearly 11 weeks, right?  I just can't help but be very disappointed.  There is also the fact that I'm not good with change and this forces me to relearn new patterns.  Feeding isn't just a walk down the hall in the middle of the night it's now going to be going downstairs to ready the bottle, come back up and take care of her, then clean up the bottle.  Then there is the huge added expense!  Oh don't get me started on that... and the higher likelihood it will stain clothes and the fact that she'll poop more (she had a blowout today at daycare and another huge dump after she came home.

Who's your daddy?

Well, her birth certificate arrived yesterday, with no father listed.  *sigh*  We did the paperwork in the hospital, which they returned to us because he dated it the day before she was born.  It took a while to have someone here to sign as a witness, but we got the papers back in a couple of weeks ago (again).  That office says to wait 4 weeks for acknowledgement of paternity paperwork to process at which time we can call to get the birth certificate corrected.  Whee.

Now the social security administration needs the birth certificate in order to help me out with the fact that we have not yet gotten her social security number in the mail.  This too was completed in the hospital.  Why is this such a mess?

It's still creepy here trying to work while Avery is off at daycare.  I feel like I'm half naked most of the day trying to pump.  I also had a drop in what I'm getting, so now I'm really worried about how long I can sustain sending pumped milk for her.  She was 10 weeks yesterday and with our limited scale measurements here, we're still not to 8lbs.  So maybe it's for the best if I just make the shift?

To end on a good note, I finally added Avery to a planned cruise in the spring, so she is scheduled for her first sailing!  I'm sure that will be an interesting adventure.  I'm not sure if it will be more of a pain in the butt if I'm still breastfeeding or if we need to lug a bunch of formula.  I guess I never planned on breastfeeding _that_ long anyhow, but the thoughts go through my head.

Two Months

Today marks my sweet girl's two month birthday!  No gifts other than two shots at the pediatrician (which out of the like 5 or 6 they normally do at the two month mark that isn't too bad).  Once again she only gained a little bit of weight (we are up to 7lbs 14oz) but she was in a different patient room and thus on a different scale, and only 1/4" taller (21 1/4").  She is in the 10th percentile on height, 5th in weight, and 15th for head.

Since our chiro appointment last week the poops have been more regular.  I can also say that the initial latch pain has been reduced tremendously.  On the pumping front I once again this morning got a bit more on the one side than I had been - I do think the supplements are helping in some ways, just not as much as I had wished and hoped, but I'll take what I can get.

A whole lotta milka

This morning's pumping session got nearly 2 oz from one breast.  I'm so excited, I think the fenugreek may be working!  When I fed her right prior on the other breast she even choked a little early in the feeding.  While I hate to have that happen to her, but perhaps it was due to more milk in the early let down on that side as well.

By the way if you don't get my title reference you weren't a Kids in the Hall fan.

Lighting up like a light bulb

It almost feels like you can see Avery progressing by leaps and bounds.  Last night on the playmat she was very attentive, especially to the noises of the rattle.  After I took her hand to push the rattle a couple of times she was able to connect a few times on her own.  She woke today so very alert and full of smiles that I didn't need to coax from her.  Then, when I put her in the swing she looked up expectantly waiting for the mobile to start going.

I know everyone thinks their kid is superior, but I know there is a bright light in this bulb!

I foolishly climbed on my scale with and without her last night.  Sure, it only measures to the half a lb, but that's enough to see that we're still not forcing the scale past the 8 lb mark.  It frustrates me so much and fills me with sadness.  I've been taking fenugreek pills for a few days now in an effort to up my production and I'm not seeing a change, at least not yet.

Caved in

We have had our days when Avery seemed to constantly cry and would gladly eat more frequently than prescribed.  We  have had our days when there were plenty of wet diapers but very little poo.  This day is both.  This combined with the limited amount of milk I seem to be retrieving when I pump led (combined with his suggestion) to me offering her supplement formula.  Two ounces later she is still fussing on and off, but is a bit calmer and seeming willing to nap.

I'm very concerned about my ability to gather enough pumped milk to send to daycare.  Like I said - across two pumping sessions today I'd be lucky to have gathered a fourth of what she might need while away from me all day.  I know pumps aren't as effective at getting milk out as she is and I know that if I weren't feeding her too there would be more... but this just doesn't bode well.

I don't want to fail at this.  Feeling a little bummed.  I feel like I cheated.  Plus formula feeding reduces her time pulling at me to produce more.  Maybe I'm dehydrated and need to drink more to produce more.  Her diapers don't seem to be changing as far as how closely the tape attaches (as would indicate weight gain).  So many questions ad so much uncertainty.  I definitely need to go to the ped office this week (between scheduled appointments) to weight her.

Slow and steady

Our Thursday appointment at the pediatrician turned into Avery's one month appointment.  As such she got measured - showing she's now 21" long and her first vaccine (Hep B).  She did gain a little bit more weight and is back to 7# 9oz (where she was when she left the hospital).  This is indeed slow going.  But the doctor is still okay with everything. This puts her at the 10th percentile for weight and 15th percentile for height.

We had a few rough days leading up to this appointment.  On Tuesday she was fussy every time she was put down on her own and insisted upon being held.  Fortunately, she snapped out of that for bedtime and allowed us some rest.  Then on Wednesday night she decided to be a bear in the evening - staying awake well past 3am.

Overnight last night she was unable to get anything from my left breast on her own.  When I pumped this morning I was able to get a half of an ounce out of it.  Of course, I also got another half an ounce out of the right which had just fed her.  So I am a little more concerned about production levels than I was even before.  Right now I am going to go ahead and guzzle some fluids to see if I am just not drinking as much as I should be.

Yearning to Gain

We were back at the pediatrician today, and unfortunately - she has lost even more weight.  We're now down to 7# 6.5oz.  *sigh*  Of course, I immediately started crying.  I need her to put on weight.  We're going back again on Thursday.  I suspect if the next 48 hours aren't productive we'll be headed down a path of supplements (which is another healthy expense).  I'm pumping and feeding often - she'll guzzle the pumped milk, but sits lazily more often than not when she's on the breast.  Of course, pumping I'm not getting a huge amount either, so that sits poorly with me.

Two weeks and counting

It blows my mind that two weeks have already passed since Avery joined us.  The time has gone so quickly, but the nights seem to crawl as she is unhappy and hungry for hours on end each night.  We've been able to feed, offer what I pumped earlier in the day, and feed again - then with some cuddling to get her out I am able to get some sleep, but I'm still feeling deprived.  It's hard to get through that cycle at 2am.

If only you could sleep while they slept on you.  She goes out nicely laying on top of me.  But we all know that is not a safe situation.  Sometimes I get lucky and after she falls asleep like that will stay asleep after the shift to her bed.  I do wonder/think that perhaps the coldness of her bed is what wakes her back up.  Time to take a heating pad to her mattress until I'm ready to set her down.

At Avery's appointment on Tuesday she was only up an ounce (7lb 10oz).  So here I am looking for ways to increase my output. My left breast doesn't seem to be as productive as the right, so I am also starting her nursing on the left more often, which displeases her too if it doesn't let down as quickly or as much.  I'm also sitting here with a cup of oatmeal, which supposedly will increase supply.
Her Aunt Jackie will be coming to stay with us tomorrow, so I'll have another set of hands to hold the baby - I'm hoping this will give me a little more sleep time, but I also know all too well that it can be hard to sleep and relax with company here.

We ended up scheduling an appointment with the Picture People for her photos since I heard back from only one of the other photographers and it was a dismissive response.  I hope we can get some good shots. I need to take some time to put the outfits on her tonight that I want to take with.  I do fear some will be too big and make her look like she's swimming.  I picked up a few other items from consignment to keep her covered in an appropriate size, but nothing there that is so adorable as to warrant photos.

Leaving the hospital and finishing her first week

While I was discharged on Saturday, Avery had to stick around another night.  The hospital was amazing and allowed us to room in with her.  Since they weren't super busy we didn't even have to switch rooms, which meant we kept the large labor and delivery room for our entire stay.  I admit I wasn't as scared when the time came to pack up as I expected to be - but I did have butterflies.

We arrived here mid-afternoon and started trying to settle in a bit.  We've set up camp downstairs using the pack n play as her night time crib.  This way we both can see her directly from the couches where we've been sleeping.  I know we need to transition upstairs at some point soon, but we're working to get better at feeding for now.  The girls didn't really get bigger, I don't think.

She is the calmest baby, at least during the day, but at night it seems like another child emerges - one that had me wondering if sleep was a thing of the past.  Sure they say sleep when they do, but the sleep periods were so short that once I fed her, changed her, got her to wipe back out, pumped, cleaned up the supplies, I was lucky to get an hour before I had to start it all over again.

As things have moved forward I'm needing to pump less thanks to starting to get the hang of feeding, but I'm still keeping some in the fridge as backup.  I couldn't even be to this point if I hadn't taken my 4 day old baby out to the Le Leche League meeting.  I was to tears frustrated trying to get her on properly and feeling so desperate... so I went.  I left on Monday feeling like 50 lbs had been lifted from my shoulders and that there was hope.

It was no small feat as Monday was a big day.  We had her first pediatrician appointment, from there we went and picked up the dogs.  It worked out well that I then went to the Le Leche meeting as he was able to get the dogs settled back in at the house for a while before we returned.  So how are the dogs doing with her?  Well, they were a bit crazy at first.  I have to say Saf, my baby, did better than I would have guessed, and Dani ended up being weirder than I expected.  They are very interested in the baby, but doing well.  They're also sleeping with us downstairs (other than that first night) so they too are looking a little sleepy.

He returned to work on Wednesday but I was only truly alone here with her on Thursday as his parents were in since his father is doing some work here on retaining walls.  Of course with people here I didn't have a shot at sleeping when she did, so I really just started making attempts at that pattern.  I should be sleeping right now as he is out running for us and she is down, but there is so much to try and do that I often cheat myself.  I guess once I'm beyond exhausted sleep will win.

Weight has started falling off and I AM eating.  I'm sure I'll hit the wall on that too (very soon).  My belly button is starting to return to pulling back in (yay).  I also lucked out in the period department.  They kept telling me I'd likely have a very heavy period for up to 6 weeks, but it's been pretty light and dealable.

When Thursday at 3am hit we were just falling asleep.  I can't believe it's already been over a week already.

Making sure I've got things covered

I've now purchased a few nursing bras.  It seems early as my boobs haven't actually changed size, but my ribs are definitely shifting a bit wider and some of my regular bras feel like they're cutting into me by the end of the day.  The two I bought today do not have underwire and are more of a stretchy fabric. They're designed to 'grow with you' or so they proclaim.  I went with the one that was for 40C (and a few other larger cups) (rather than my normal 38C) since I'm already feeling the need for something larger around my ribs.  Since I'm going to need to get use to sleeping in something, or so I'm told, these seem like they'd be pretty comfortable and up to the task.  It was so odd and foreign to buy bras that didn't come from Victoria's Secret.

It's pretty wrong that this seems like one of the strangest baby-related purchases that needed to be made.