Wanting to bring someone along for the ride

I've got a friend that I know has considered this option, but has since cast it aside considering the scenario too much for her on her own.  As I sat across the table from her today at lunch I just wanted to spit out what my game plan was and beg her to consider diving into it too at the same time.

The next questions that started to occur to me, which I hope will be addressed in some of my reading, is when to start preparation.  I know I need to be off the pill for a little while, and should probably see the doctor in advance.  This last piece is especially important since my gyno is leaving!  I need to pick a new office where I'd feel comfortable, and hopefully one where they're comfortable with my plans.

Coming out

Yesterday, for the first time I admitted to someone that I was looking to pursue a sperm donor and pregnancy.  It was in written form, a little easier to do than say face to face and part of the process of admitting things to myself.  I know it's important if I make this decision to own it and "Knocked up" reinforced that point of view when I was reading last night bringing up the very topic.  Embarrassment about it could translate to how people respond to my decision and how the child would feel about where they came from.  A good lesson to keep in mind.

Looking for a man

I know, three posts in a row seems crazy, but I have to catch up to where I am in my thought process now that I decided to document this in a blog.

Last night I did my first search on a sperm bank website out of curiosity last night, California Cryobank to be specific.  It's funny, the first donor I looked at sounded phenomenal.  In addition to matching my default criteria (blue eyes, darker hair, 6' or taller, white) he was also quite intelligent, into physics and music, and even enjoyed watching hockey.  A few searches later, and he was still the only one I "saved".  Surely picking a donor isn't like picking a birthday card (admit to yourself how many times you look for a half an hour and then return to one you first picked up).

Now again, how quickly could a picture or a voice ruin that 'wow - he seems awesome' perception?  Maybe this is a lesson I need to learn in dating too?

Knock yourself up

On a whim, while at the mall and needing a distraction I happened upon a book on the clearance rack called "Knock Yourself Up".  I'm less than 100 pages in, but I've already learned some of the questions I need to ask myself, things that I wouldn't imagine most people consider before thrusting themselves into these thoughts.

If I follow through...

• Open or anonymous donation:  do I want the option for my child to be able to contact their biological father after they turn 18?
• What to see and what to leave to chance:  do I want to pay a few extra dollars to see a childhood photo or hear an audio interview with a potential donor?
• What to base my selection on:  should I look for someone 'similar' to me so the child is more likely to look more like me or go for what I find attractive and question what I see in a child as 'traits' of a person unknown?

But looming larger than the clinical type questions...

• How do I bring this up to my mother?
• How do I explain this to people who didn't think I wanted kids for all those years?
• Can I do it on my own?
• What if I lost my job?

 The questions inside seem endless.  But I think they outweigh the possible regrets and what ifs that might come up in 15 years if I don't follow through.

Where I'm coming from.

I am in my mid-30's and starting to feel like I'm ticking.  Is it because children aren't an option?  Am I just seeing things in a new light?  Is it because the ex is having kids even though neither of us "wanted" to go that route?  Whatever it is, this has been on my mind for quite a while.  In the past few months (some may call it a midlife crisis, others may say I took charge of my life), I "decided".  Come spring of 2011 I will be working towards a child of my own.

I've taken the next step and started to contemplate what it would be like to raise a child on my own.  Having a child truly 'alone' is impossible, so what are the options for a gal who has a heck of a time in the dating world?  I've contemplated adoption, but I think that part of the innate draw is to go through the whole process.  A random encounter? - too risky with too many future implications.  Asking a male friend to assist? - how awkward is that and still fraught with future implications.  So, that brings me to donors unknown to me.

Is this crazy to even consider?  Will I change my mind?  Regardless, this blog will document my actions towards eventuality and might make for something to share with someone- someday.