The feeling is mutual.

Last night during prayers Avery included Luke in her family list. She quickly followed it up with "I love him". I guess given my last post it only took her a little while to realize the feeling was mutual.

We also had Avery's dentist appointment yesterday. Fortunately her buddy Luke told her about his recent trip and she was psyched to go. We had a very good report and they indicated her teeth were very clean. Yay!

Final note -- the threes are hitting pretty hard. Avery's desire to do what she wants is pretty darn frustrating. Mostly I am sure because she's been so easy to this point.

Rebel rebel

We're starting to get tastes of surly behavior.  It's age appropriate and normal, but super frustrating.  Avery has begun saying no in response to requests for her to do things.  I'm told she stuck her tongue out at school (which has to be where she learned that too).  The hitting and swatting amped up a little again when she's displeased with what you're telling her.

The latest is not wanting to wear what I'm trying to put on her.  It's pretty hard to get a shirt on a kid that doesn't want it on.  The past two days all she wants is the owl shirt, one she wore (and dirtied) on Sunday.

She's getting big and independent, but at the same time she still says she's a baby.  I know the time will come when she says "I'm not a baby!" so I'm embracing this all and telling her she will always be my baby but that she's my big girl too.

I'm hoping nicer weather and more activities will help us get past some of this phase.  We've been trying to take advantage of a small dose of warmer weather.  Sunday we were outside coloring with chalk and Monday we went for a short walk and rode on her tricycle after she left school.  It was nice enough that they even had the kids in the playground at the end of the day.

So much energy

The twos are here already. Avery is so full of energy and pushing every boundary and button she can find.  She'll hit just to get your reaction sometimes when she's acting all crazy.  This is definitely a test. She's running well, which is good, because she's doing it a lot burning off energy.  Today her nap was just over an hour.  I'm not looking forward to when the nap time permanently shortens.  I just started working out to try and get healthy again and I need that time to work out, shower, and then relax for a few.  Give me the strength and stamina to keep up Lord.

Bossy!

In addition to "no bite", Avery also says "no push" and "no kick".  The best part was discovering she hates kazoos.  She immediately made a fretty face, said "no, no mommy, no" and then took the kazoo and put it down.  She's repeated this action several times including with her father.

She continues to be struggling at Little Gym.  She doesn't want to participate in the time on the mat unless she is carried - that kind of defeats the purpose. Once I can get her going she is usually ok, but some days that initial happiness is hard to find.  Of course, it doesn't help when one of the other kids then tackles her or pulls her hair, sending her into a crying fit.

She is a sweet girl.  Not an angel, but I can say I have not witnessed her doing the tackling, at least not yet.  She will also say "bless you" when you sneeze (that sweet little voice).

Avery has also been initiating walks and managing to go pretty far before she needs to get carried or placed into the stroller.  Her stamina is quite remarkable!

Gnap Gnap

Have you ever watched the episode of the Smurfs where a purple fly bites one and then they start biting, saying "gnap"?  Yep.  Avery is all "gnap gnap".  She's been a bit bitey the past week when she isn't happy with us for constraining her (picking her up when she needs to go do something).  I guess it was inevitable, but I was hoping to have skipped that phase since we're to 20 months and they say that starts around 18 months.

While we were away on vacation she also popped out the two lower cuspids.  Now we're down to 6 more to go.  This at least explained a few bouts of diaper rash we've had lately.  I do wonder if it encourages the biting, but her instances of biting all seem to be frustration-based.

We did have a nice cruise vacation together.  Avery did well sleeping and we managed to eat in the dining room.  She wasn't much of an eater onboard, but we did pretty well without needing a ton of outside food brought on.  While in Bermuda we took Avery to a pink sand beach where she played with her bucket and shovel in the sand.  She still is not a fan of cool water lapping up at her feet - be it ocean water or the 'beach' pool onboard.  In Boston we took Avery to the aquarium.  Despite the obscene crowd we had a good time and she enjoyed watching the penguins, fish, sharks, and other critters.

We have lots of great photos once again of her, and the whole family.  Sunday was Easter, so we put even more miles in heading to two get togethers.  All of these miles in the past week and a half and it was the last couple miles that scared me.  Last night we were very lucky on the highway coming home from a bit of shopping.  Ben's car is a bit banged up as a result, but we are all well.  To my knowledge the folks in the other vehicles were also ok.  Long story short a dog ran across the highway.  Ben was in the left lane.  He and the driver to our right slammed on their breaks.  Unfortunately, the guy to our right had another car behind him, and a tractor trailer behind that.  The truck didn't get stopped fast enough and crunched the car in the middle, which we believe popped out and came into our lane, hitting us.  I believe the dog also was safe and ran up the hillside.  Thank you God for watching over us all.

Who gave my child sugar and caffeine?

I don't know what on earth was going on, but Avery was NOT going to sleep last night.  We headed up a little late to get her bathed etc due to circumstances, but not so much so that she should have struggled.  However, she just sat there - eyes wide - for over a half an hour (I'm usually putting her in her crib in 3-5 minutes of sitting down to rock with her).  I tried putting her down and was called back shortly thereafter.  This went on for a while.  I even brought her to my bed and when she rolled to her belly (as she often does when she falls asleep) I tried taking her back again.  At this point she stood right up but was quiet.

I watched and waited... and then her dad went in.  He said she was standing there, leaning on the crib wrap, almost falling asleep.  It was probably still another half an hour or more until she fell asleep for him.  I've never seen her like this.  Her legs tend to kick a little when she's tired and fighting it a bit, but she was just wiggling and moving.  I worried maybe her stomach was upset or whatever, but she made no indications of not feeling great.

She napped for two and a half hours across noon, but didn't take a second nap - so by the time it was all said and done the girl was running on her 9th hour awake, so she had to have been over tired at that point.  It's interesting that they say that around the 10 month mark you might see some changes in sleeping and eating behaviors - I just never expected to be 10 month ON the mark.

Surprisingly she woke up right on time this morning and seemed happy enough.  I guess we'll see how she was at daycare.  I suspect she'll be grumpy simply because of the food I sent in - which when I gave it to her yesterday she was shaking her head no and waving goodbye at me.  Admittedly it did smell like chicken soup and looked like congealed chicken soup.  This mix has some cauliflower in it, which is what we're currently working on.  She also has now had papaya (with cardamom) and grapes along with this cauliflower.

Some decisions are made for you

No matter how hard you may resist, some decisions are made for you.  For me, this is when to stop breastfeeding.  The major drop in what I was able to pump when Avery started going to daycare was immediate.  It's only been a week but it's becoming very clear that the end is near.  Today I noticed that the tips of my nipples have hickeys on them from the pump and I'm lucky to get a full ounce in twenty minutes and two cycles on the pump.

Amusingly they don't hurt - and that's a bad sign.  The lack of them being delicate is probably because things are drying up.  The nail in the hormonal coffin was seeing how much hair came out when I washed my hair tonight.  I'm going to keep trying to put her on, but I am starting the hunt for the best deals on formula and we'll see if liquid or powder seems more the way to go.

Just be happy I made it nearly 11 weeks, right?  I just can't help but be very disappointed.  There is also the fact that I'm not good with change and this forces me to relearn new patterns.  Feeding isn't just a walk down the hall in the middle of the night it's now going to be going downstairs to ready the bottle, come back up and take care of her, then clean up the bottle.  Then there is the huge added expense!  Oh don't get me started on that... and the higher likelihood it will stain clothes and the fact that she'll poop more (she had a blowout today at daycare and another huge dump after she came home.

The Road to Jingletown

Today Avery made her first trip to Johnstown to meet some friends.  She now has even more adoring fans.  We were able to catch up with the Laws, the Rohannas, Jon and Heather, and Beth.  I didn't get to feed her directly or pump as much today as I would have liked, but it is what it is.  I don't quite have the four bottles full to send to daycare with her tomorrow, so I guess I'll deplete some of the frozen "supply" (not that there is much there) tomorrow.

Who's your daddy?

Well, her birth certificate arrived yesterday, with no father listed.  *sigh*  We did the paperwork in the hospital, which they returned to us because he dated it the day before she was born.  It took a while to have someone here to sign as a witness, but we got the papers back in a couple of weeks ago (again).  That office says to wait 4 weeks for acknowledgement of paternity paperwork to process at which time we can call to get the birth certificate corrected.  Whee.

Now the social security administration needs the birth certificate in order to help me out with the fact that we have not yet gotten her social security number in the mail.  This too was completed in the hospital.  Why is this such a mess?

It's still creepy here trying to work while Avery is off at daycare.  I feel like I'm half naked most of the day trying to pump.  I also had a drop in what I'm getting, so now I'm really worried about how long I can sustain sending pumped milk for her.  She was 10 weeks yesterday and with our limited scale measurements here, we're still not to 8lbs.  So maybe it's for the best if I just make the shift?

To end on a good note, I finally added Avery to a planned cruise in the spring, so she is scheduled for her first sailing!  I'm sure that will be an interesting adventure.  I'm not sure if it will be more of a pain in the butt if I'm still breastfeeding or if we need to lug a bunch of formula.  I guess I never planned on breastfeeding _that_ long anyhow, but the thoughts go through my head.

Back to work

Today was my first day back at my desk.  I'm only working part-time for the next two weeks or so and Avery is staying here with me... but it still stinks.  She was a champ today.  She slept in the snug-a-puppy for a while, ate, chilled out longer, fussed briefly, and was then happy in the bjorn for the rest of the time.  She typically is easy-breezy in the mornings.  Shame once she has to go to daycare I won't get to see any of those pleasant hours.

I finally got a decent pic of the smile.  We also had some legit coos while in the snug-a-puppy too!

Feeding despair

I've been feeding the girl every 2 1/2 hours during the day in an effort to get more in her and more weight on her.  It doesn't leave a lot of time for pumping, even less when she decides she's hungry again before that window is closed.  That was the case tonight.  I had pumped and shortly thereafter the screaming started.  I figured my freshly pumped breasts weren't going to cut it, so I pulled out the supplement formula.  This is the stuff they gave us at the hospital that she was drinking there w/ breastmilk.

Give her the formula if you need to they say.  Give yourself a break they say.  Plus, when I start back to work I know we might need to transition to formula if I can't get my pump to draw more.  So I gave in.  She drank, I tried to burp her, she sat with me for a while and then she dozed off.  To give myself a break I put her down and she stayed peaceful.  More than an hour later I picked her up out of the pack n play because her next feeding time was coming and she needed changed.  Shortly after I picked her up the vomit came.  I know they say it isn't as much as it looks like but it soaked both her onesie and my shirt and I'd put money down it was at least half of the 2 oz bottle (like an hour and a half after she ate it).  She's had a bottle here and there in the past few weeks, so it isn't because she's never had it.

I hate not knowing what to do.  Formula is my backup, but I feel like it isn't a safe backup.  It is insult to injury when you are realizing you aren't able to provide enough to feed your child (as demonstrated by her not gaining super fast and underscored by the small amount I am able to pump when I'm faced with needing to pump enough to send with her to day care very soon).  What's the point if she's going to yack it up?  This is not a girl that vomits, she VERY rarely has given even that little bit of spit up w/ a burp.  Even if that is "normal" who wants to need to clean up vomit?

Caved in

We have had our days when Avery seemed to constantly cry and would gladly eat more frequently than prescribed.  We  have had our days when there were plenty of wet diapers but very little poo.  This day is both.  This combined with the limited amount of milk I seem to be retrieving when I pump led (combined with his suggestion) to me offering her supplement formula.  Two ounces later she is still fussing on and off, but is a bit calmer and seeming willing to nap.

I'm very concerned about my ability to gather enough pumped milk to send to daycare.  Like I said - across two pumping sessions today I'd be lucky to have gathered a fourth of what she might need while away from me all day.  I know pumps aren't as effective at getting milk out as she is and I know that if I weren't feeding her too there would be more... but this just doesn't bode well.

I don't want to fail at this.  Feeling a little bummed.  I feel like I cheated.  Plus formula feeding reduces her time pulling at me to produce more.  Maybe I'm dehydrated and need to drink more to produce more.  Her diapers don't seem to be changing as far as how closely the tape attaches (as would indicate weight gain).  So many questions ad so much uncertainty.  I definitely need to go to the ped office this week (between scheduled appointments) to weight her.

Yearning to Gain

We were back at the pediatrician today, and unfortunately - she has lost even more weight.  We're now down to 7# 6.5oz.  *sigh*  Of course, I immediately started crying.  I need her to put on weight.  We're going back again on Thursday.  I suspect if the next 48 hours aren't productive we'll be headed down a path of supplements (which is another healthy expense).  I'm pumping and feeding often - she'll guzzle the pumped milk, but sits lazily more often than not when she's on the breast.  Of course, pumping I'm not getting a huge amount either, so that sits poorly with me.

Child and Infant CPR

We finished up our last prenatal class last night:  child and infant CPR (and choking).  Much to my surprise the class lasted 1 1/2 hours, vs 3 which is what they stated, after that they offered to demonstrate adult CPR.  I dunno, when you pay for something like this you kind of want to get what you pay for -- even when you want nothing more to get out of there and get some dinner.

I marvel that every time I take this type of class (years apart) how much the guidance changes.  If anything, I find that more confusing.  If they're not breathing start chest compressions without even checking for a pulse?!  Hopefully we will never need to put any of these lessons into practice.

Seeing where it will all go down

Yesterday felt like it was all about baby.  First the furniture I ordered for her room was delivered.  I'm very pleased with the sizing and the color - it matches QUITE well with the crib and the changing topper.

Last night we the headed north to the hospital for a tour of the facility.  Once again I am pretty sure I was the least far along of the mothers there.  I don't know what I was expecting, but I had a few moments while there.

First, I could clearly see their agenda painted on things.  I don't mind a hospital saying "we recommend" or "we encourage" but I do not like hearing "here at ... we always" or "required".  Mmm, no.  This makes me instantly want to resist because I know my opinions/concerns won't be received much less considered.  I'm stubborn, this I know.  There are some things I can waffle on - like their view of bedding in vs having a little bit of quiet time w/ the kid in the nursery and there are some things that I will dig my heels in on.

Second, I was ready to cry a little - maybe nerves?  It didn't feel more real, but it definitely feels more imminent to be there and see where it will all go down.  It was pretty quiet there, only a few doors closed which I presume contained mothers who recently gave birth.

Finally, it was nice to see the security measures they have in place to protect your baby, but at the same time it was also a little unnerving to even think about that being a necessity - which then gave me the wee bit of panic that leads me to say I am willing to waffle on the bedding in vs nursery thing.  With all of the things they "require" testing your child on I kind of don't want them taking my child from my sight for fear they'll be assessing and sticking her with needles unbeknownst to me.  Well hello there overprotective mothering instinct.

Little one on the other hand has been exceedingly peaceful the past day or so.  Time for me to get up, move around, and get her moving a little bit too.

So today the doctor is back in town and looked at the information I already reported here as clearly not good.  He had the nurse call me back to note that the value was bad (duh) but what shocked me was the follow up comment which had nothing to do with what our options were but rather a punt to the folks in the nearest big city (2 1/2 hours away).  Here you can write these numbers down.

From a cursory glance these places are fertility clinics that make mention of IVF solutions on their websites.  Not only is that horribly invasive and complex, but it is hella expensive and would have quite a few trips to a place that would be 5 hours round trip each time.  How on earth is that going to help me?

I guess I shouldn't have expected more from a place that didn't even want to see me after I had a miscarriage, but I guess I had a false sense of hope after my talk appointment where he agreed to try trigger shots etc.  I don't know what to think or what to do next.

My body hates the idea of this so much that it even hosed up my period this month just because I went to talk to the doctor about it... I swear that's what it has to be.  Keep in mind I've been on birth control.  Yes, I planned on my pill Saturday night being my last one, but this cycle was using the pill, so I should start bleeding Wednesday, as I have for months and months while on the pill.  Um, no, I had a blob of blood this afternoon as I left work.  WTH.

Time is passing so fast

It's been more than a half a year since my last post and I remain without something new to say.

More and more people are joining my church, they too have 2, 3, 4, or like the couple this morning 6 little ones right there in front of me.  Others have had their first or second one in the past so many months. I think one of the toughest things to swallow is the rather heavy woman there, I mean large enough that she can hardly walk and carry the baby.  I am not stating this to mock her size, but rather to marvel.  There I was trying and being told that because I'm a bit heavy it could make it harder for me to get pregnant.  Seriously?  How are these women doing it?

I have a yearly appointment coming up next month, so I suppose I  need to figure out if I aim to try again this year (still being mindful of the forthcoming vacations).  I start to think I should stop the pills and get myself ready and then I think more and realize I'm still here in the same area, which means the timing will always be near impossible.

In the past year I've made feeble attempts to reach out to potential adoption places and have heard nothing back.  I know, I know, if I were serious I'd call, but I don't feel confident.  I wish I could just find the right guy and do this the old fashioned way, things would be a great deal easier.  But of course, the far and few options there all seem to already have their kids.

Even more chaotic.

With work being tentative at best after less than a month I am wondering if more things don't happen for a reason than we realize.  I could have easily been, what - 6 months prego - if I hadn't had a miscarriage and ready to lose my job.  Who hires someone that would be off within 3 months?  No one, that's who.  I guess I'm lucky in that respect.

My crazy periods haven't stopped either.  Here's what I've dealt with since April.  The pink days indicate when I've been bleeding.  Looks like fun, doesn't it?  Best part is seeing how I bled as I left for vacation last month AND as I came back from it.

All over the place

As mentioned in my previous post, I ended up early in May having a period that started on the 7th.  Based on that I should have had my next period on the 1st.  I took an ovulation test and had a positive when it was expected, so I was expecting a period on the 1st-ish.  Since then I ended up bleeding, lightly, for three days starting on the 25th.  Today, June 3, I am again starting to spot, which is probably the result of the positive OV earlier in May.  But seriously - and extra half period?