And another...

One set of friends from my past just welcomed their first child in recent weeks.  Another friend just announced that she is prego.  I really do feel like the odd man out at life in general.

Doubt and reassurance?

I have been quiet lately because I'm starting to think that perhaps the cart is in front of the horse with  my desires.  After all, work is questionable in the near term and to move elsewhere and get another job in the early months of a pregnancy or in the midst of trying to get pregnant seems less than ideal.

Tonight I hung out with a friend and her 4 year old daughter.  The cute things she did and the hugs I got tore my draw in the opposite direction.  I've always thought I'd be a-okay after the fluid-soaked years were over, so that isn't a surprise.  I've gawked at adoption sites for what, 9 years now, off and on.  Is that so wrong for me to consider?

Off the pill

Ok.  I'm not starting a new pack tonight.  At least then I can start to see how my cycles play out on their own.  Right?

Other choices and potential for bad combinations

With my work situation being less than fantastic lately I've decided to step up finishing some open activities around my house so it can go on the market if need be.  I admit, I've actively been looking at houses and jobs near my sister.

Clearly, making a move to another state and another job in the same timeframe when I'm considering getting pregnant complicates things.  I could feasibly meet someone after I get moved.  It would be nice to have someone else to help with a baby if there was to be one.

I'm trying to figure out if I want to take another month of birth control pills or stop now so I can start tracking my periods.  I guess I need to decide soon as my next pack starts on Sunday.  What to do what to do.

Strange places...

So I was clicking around on craigslist's dating listings simply because, yes I am that desperate.  Color my shocked to see a listing for someone offering to "knock you up".  While this isn't the route I have any desire of going, it put the thoughts of finding someone I know back into my thought process.  While the monetary cost of getting IUI is a factor, especially if it takes a while to get pregnant.

While it would be easier to have a free source and method of insemination I know how much more complicated that would be.  I wish I could just foresee Mr. Right appearing in the very near term.

Factor in my other thoughts of trying to ready the house to be put on the market, just in case, and in semi-preparation, as I do not intend to stay here forever.  When is the right time to go?  Will I find someone special when I am somewhere else?  Would I have issues starting the process and then going to another job?  Where would I get better medical care before and during the process and pregnancy?

The first doctor appointment ... is scheduled

Yesterday I called to talk to a potential doctor here in the area.  My previous gynecologist is moving away from the area, so my information was shipped to this other office.  Fortunately, after a few questions I am reassured that the office does IUI and the doctor is comfortable working with single women and donor specimens.  Unfortunately, they seem to be rather busy.  Getting in for a "talking appointment" just to get to know the doctor, express my desires, and get some basic information was not an option until January!  I'm schedule at least and I know that I can continue taking my pills if I so choose, or I can halt them and start to track my cycles.  How I wish our bodies were beautifully regular and predictable without the pills.

Opening my mouth to a friend

While away on vacation with a very close friend I admitted what I was thinking/intending.  I was pleasantly surprised with her reaction.  Other than utter surprise she didn't make me feel one way or the other.  She offered some insightful thoughts and made my first "coming out" to a friend very easy and reassuring.

This time was a good opportunity for me to think a bit and to get away from all of it.  I think the next big step I need to take is calling the potential new gyno to see how they perceive this type of thing.  I do not want to be yolked to a doctor who doesn't support my choice, as I know I then wouldn't receive the care I deserve.

Wanting to bring someone along for the ride

I've got a friend that I know has considered this option, but has since cast it aside considering the scenario too much for her on her own.  As I sat across the table from her today at lunch I just wanted to spit out what my game plan was and beg her to consider diving into it too at the same time.

The next questions that started to occur to me, which I hope will be addressed in some of my reading, is when to start preparation.  I know I need to be off the pill for a little while, and should probably see the doctor in advance.  This last piece is especially important since my gyno is leaving!  I need to pick a new office where I'd feel comfortable, and hopefully one where they're comfortable with my plans.

Coming out

Yesterday, for the first time I admitted to someone that I was looking to pursue a sperm donor and pregnancy.  It was in written form, a little easier to do than say face to face and part of the process of admitting things to myself.  I know it's important if I make this decision to own it and "Knocked up" reinforced that point of view when I was reading last night bringing up the very topic.  Embarrassment about it could translate to how people respond to my decision and how the child would feel about where they came from.  A good lesson to keep in mind.

Looking for a man

I know, three posts in a row seems crazy, but I have to catch up to where I am in my thought process now that I decided to document this in a blog.

Last night I did my first search on a sperm bank website out of curiosity last night, California Cryobank to be specific.  It's funny, the first donor I looked at sounded phenomenal.  In addition to matching my default criteria (blue eyes, darker hair, 6' or taller, white) he was also quite intelligent, into physics and music, and even enjoyed watching hockey.  A few searches later, and he was still the only one I "saved".  Surely picking a donor isn't like picking a birthday card (admit to yourself how many times you look for a half an hour and then return to one you first picked up).

Now again, how quickly could a picture or a voice ruin that 'wow - he seems awesome' perception?  Maybe this is a lesson I need to learn in dating too?

Knock yourself up

On a whim, while at the mall and needing a distraction I happened upon a book on the clearance rack called "Knock Yourself Up".  I'm less than 100 pages in, but I've already learned some of the questions I need to ask myself, things that I wouldn't imagine most people consider before thrusting themselves into these thoughts.

If I follow through...

• Open or anonymous donation:  do I want the option for my child to be able to contact their biological father after they turn 18?
• What to see and what to leave to chance:  do I want to pay a few extra dollars to see a childhood photo or hear an audio interview with a potential donor?
• What to base my selection on:  should I look for someone 'similar' to me so the child is more likely to look more like me or go for what I find attractive and question what I see in a child as 'traits' of a person unknown?

But looming larger than the clinical type questions...

• How do I bring this up to my mother?
• How do I explain this to people who didn't think I wanted kids for all those years?
• Can I do it on my own?
• What if I lost my job?

 The questions inside seem endless.  But I think they outweigh the possible regrets and what ifs that might come up in 15 years if I don't follow through.

Where I'm coming from.

I am in my mid-30's and starting to feel like I'm ticking.  Is it because children aren't an option?  Am I just seeing things in a new light?  Is it because the ex is having kids even though neither of us "wanted" to go that route?  Whatever it is, this has been on my mind for quite a while.  In the past few months (some may call it a midlife crisis, others may say I took charge of my life), I "decided".  Come spring of 2011 I will be working towards a child of my own.

I've taken the next step and started to contemplate what it would be like to raise a child on my own.  Having a child truly 'alone' is impossible, so what are the options for a gal who has a heck of a time in the dating world?  I've contemplated adoption, but I think that part of the innate draw is to go through the whole process.  A random encounter? - too risky with too many future implications.  Asking a male friend to assist? - how awkward is that and still fraught with future implications.  So, that brings me to donors unknown to me.

Is this crazy to even consider?  Will I change my mind?  Regardless, this blog will document my actions towards eventuality and might make for something to share with someone- someday.