Dropping her off at daycare

I'd like to say I'm one of those people who didn't cry, but who am I kidding?  I used to cry when I left the dogs at the kennel.  Of course I cried dropping Avery off at daycare.  I was crying last night as I prepared to do so this morning.

It just stinks knowing someone else will see her for more of her waking hours than I will each day.  They will get the smiles she offers up, they will be the one that she gets comfort from when crying -- she's going to bond with some stranger.

Paid maternity leave needs to be a whole heck of a lot longer.  Better still, can I be independently wealthy?

Now starts a whole other chapter, where instead of picking her up to feed her quickly while I keep working I am pumping, pouring it off into bottles, cleaning up after said pumping and praying that I get enough to send in each day.

Visit from Meme

At long last Meme visited with us in my dream.  It was an odd one, but she did get to hold Avery in the dream, that's all that matters and all I am choosing to take from that dream - like I said it was odd, but aren't most dreams?

Two Months

Today marks my sweet girl's two month birthday!  No gifts other than two shots at the pediatrician (which out of the like 5 or 6 they normally do at the two month mark that isn't too bad).  Once again she only gained a little bit of weight (we are up to 7lbs 14oz) but she was in a different patient room and thus on a different scale, and only 1/4" taller (21 1/4").  She is in the 10th percentile on height, 5th in weight, and 15th for head.

Since our chiro appointment last week the poops have been more regular.  I can also say that the initial latch pain has been reduced tremendously.  On the pumping front I once again this morning got a bit more on the one side than I had been - I do think the supplements are helping in some ways, just not as much as I had wished and hoped, but I'll take what I can get.

A whole lotta milka

This morning's pumping session got nearly 2 oz from one breast.  I'm so excited, I think the fenugreek may be working!  When I fed her right prior on the other breast she even choked a little early in the feeding.  While I hate to have that happen to her, but perhaps it was due to more milk in the early let down on that side as well.

By the way if you don't get my title reference you weren't a Kids in the Hall fan.

Lighting up like a light bulb

It almost feels like you can see Avery progressing by leaps and bounds.  Last night on the playmat she was very attentive, especially to the noises of the rattle.  After I took her hand to push the rattle a couple of times she was able to connect a few times on her own.  She woke today so very alert and full of smiles that I didn't need to coax from her.  Then, when I put her in the swing she looked up expectantly waiting for the mobile to start going.

I know everyone thinks their kid is superior, but I know there is a bright light in this bulb!

I foolishly climbed on my scale with and without her last night.  Sure, it only measures to the half a lb, but that's enough to see that we're still not forcing the scale past the 8 lb mark.  It frustrates me so much and fills me with sadness.  I've been taking fenugreek pills for a few days now in an effort to up my production and I'm not seeing a change, at least not yet.

Back to work

Today was my first day back at my desk.  I'm only working part-time for the next two weeks or so and Avery is staying here with me... but it still stinks.  She was a champ today.  She slept in the snug-a-puppy for a while, ate, chilled out longer, fussed briefly, and was then happy in the bjorn for the rest of the time.  She typically is easy-breezy in the mornings.  Shame once she has to go to daycare I won't get to see any of those pleasant hours.

I finally got a decent pic of the smile.  We also had some legit coos while in the snug-a-puppy too!

Feeding despair

I've been feeding the girl every 2 1/2 hours during the day in an effort to get more in her and more weight on her.  It doesn't leave a lot of time for pumping, even less when she decides she's hungry again before that window is closed.  That was the case tonight.  I had pumped and shortly thereafter the screaming started.  I figured my freshly pumped breasts weren't going to cut it, so I pulled out the supplement formula.  This is the stuff they gave us at the hospital that she was drinking there w/ breastmilk.

Give her the formula if you need to they say.  Give yourself a break they say.  Plus, when I start back to work I know we might need to transition to formula if I can't get my pump to draw more.  So I gave in.  She drank, I tried to burp her, she sat with me for a while and then she dozed off.  To give myself a break I put her down and she stayed peaceful.  More than an hour later I picked her up out of the pack n play because her next feeding time was coming and she needed changed.  Shortly after I picked her up the vomit came.  I know they say it isn't as much as it looks like but it soaked both her onesie and my shirt and I'd put money down it was at least half of the 2 oz bottle (like an hour and a half after she ate it).  She's had a bottle here and there in the past few weeks, so it isn't because she's never had it.

I hate not knowing what to do.  Formula is my backup, but I feel like it isn't a safe backup.  It is insult to injury when you are realizing you aren't able to provide enough to feed your child (as demonstrated by her not gaining super fast and underscored by the small amount I am able to pump when I'm faced with needing to pump enough to send with her to day care very soon).  What's the point if she's going to yack it up?  This is not a girl that vomits, she VERY rarely has given even that little bit of spit up w/ a burp.  Even if that is "normal" who wants to need to clean up vomit?

Seeking a comfortable carry

With girl wanting to be held when she is awake my arms are getting a workout.  I am also not able to continue about tasks.  I had purchased a bjorn, but the minimum weight is 8lbs, which we're still not up to.  Regardless I put it on today and placed her in to get a feel for it.  Even when she's trying to wiggle about I think I'll still be able to do what I need to do, like type this post!  I also purchased a ring sling, which should arrive today.  Either way, I am hoping it will allow her to cuddle with me while I continue to function.  This is critical for me to go back part time at the end of next week and keep her home a little longer.  I think this is also going to be good for my arms and back.

Optical illusion?

Maybe I'm imagining things since she's been wearing long sleeves (which happen to be a little baggy since she needs the length but not the circumference of the outfit) the past few days - but Avery looks like she grew over night.  Her arms just seem longer to me.  Skinny as all get out, but longer.

Six weeks down

Well, almost six weeks anyhow.  I had my six-week appointment at the ob/gyn yesterday and all is well.  After Avery and I stopped at the pediatrician's office to use their scale.  The good news is Avery is up to 7# 12.5oz.  That isn't crazy progress, but it's progress in the right direction none the less (so up 2.5 oz in the past week and 5 days).

I'm getting more smiles but still narrowly missing capturing them on film or video.  We're also starting to create a good, healthy pattern at night which has been resulting in good sleep!  Of course, I recognize that now that I typed that everything will go out the window.

Caved in

We have had our days when Avery seemed to constantly cry and would gladly eat more frequently than prescribed.  We  have had our days when there were plenty of wet diapers but very little poo.  This day is both.  This combined with the limited amount of milk I seem to be retrieving when I pump led (combined with his suggestion) to me offering her supplement formula.  Two ounces later she is still fussing on and off, but is a bit calmer and seeming willing to nap.

I'm very concerned about my ability to gather enough pumped milk to send to daycare.  Like I said - across two pumping sessions today I'd be lucky to have gathered a fourth of what she might need while away from me all day.  I know pumps aren't as effective at getting milk out as she is and I know that if I weren't feeding her too there would be more... but this just doesn't bode well.

I don't want to fail at this.  Feeling a little bummed.  I feel like I cheated.  Plus formula feeding reduces her time pulling at me to produce more.  Maybe I'm dehydrated and need to drink more to produce more.  Her diapers don't seem to be changing as far as how closely the tape attaches (as would indicate weight gain).  So many questions ad so much uncertainty.  I definitely need to go to the ped office this week (between scheduled appointments) to weight her.