Since my last period, which was over a week late, I have been using the ClearBlue fertility monitor.  haven't gotten a level "3" reading yet this month.  My mind is on finding a 'real' donor lately.  As I suspected, my one friend is in fact preggers.  She too started using the monitor and during the first month of use tried when she saw a "3" and bam.  It's too early for her to be announcing to the world, but you get the point - it is a lot easier with a readily accessible fresh donor.  I wish I knew where to start.

Heck, I've even tried looking at a few more adoption sites and I don't know where to start there either.  In the mean time I am monitoring not knowing if my doctor's office will even try to help me again.

So today the doctor is back in town and looked at the information I already reported here as clearly not good.  He had the nurse call me back to note that the value was bad (duh) but what shocked me was the follow up comment which had nothing to do with what our options were but rather a punt to the folks in the nearest big city (2 1/2 hours away).  Here you can write these numbers down.

From a cursory glance these places are fertility clinics that make mention of IVF solutions on their websites.  Not only is that horribly invasive and complex, but it is hella expensive and would have quite a few trips to a place that would be 5 hours round trip each time.  How on earth is that going to help me?

I guess I shouldn't have expected more from a place that didn't even want to see me after I had a miscarriage, but I guess I had a false sense of hope after my talk appointment where he agreed to try trigger shots etc.  I don't know what to think or what to do next.

A 0.3 on a reference range of 0.9-9.0 on the AMH level.  Not good.  Of course, now the doctor is out until Wednesday, so I'm lucky to have at least convinced the nurse to give me the number value.  No matter how you cut it, as I said:  not good.

A major shift has occurred since my previous post.
First:  I have purchased a clearblue fertilization monitor and sticks.  It arrived a bit too late to start using it this month, but next month I'll be using that.  I've been using my old pee sticks this month and here I am still getting negatives and wondering if I'll see a positive at all.

Second:  I put on the big girl panties and visited with a male gynecologist that one of the midwives recommended I speak with.  Since she had also dismissed the idea of using a trigger shot due to other risks I felt all was lost, but I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed we needed to move in that direction since my periods when I was last off of birth control were rather erratic.

This means I may need to find a way to come to terms with having a male gyno.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  He also sent me for another blood draw for an anti-mullerian hormone assessment, which will give us some insight as to my ovarian reserve.  The results of this test could shoot things out of consideration.  So now, we wait and track for a little while.

My body hates the idea of this so much that it even hosed up my period this month just because I went to talk to the doctor about it... I swear that's what it has to be.  Keep in mind I've been on birth control.  Yes, I planned on my pill Saturday night being my last one, but this cycle was using the pill, so I should start bleeding Wednesday, as I have for months and months while on the pill.  Um, no, I had a blob of blood this afternoon as I left work.  WTH.

Today's appt wasn't what I was hoping for - a big not recommended on the use of drugs to help ensure ovulation timing and a request to talk with one of the other doctors, a male doctor.  Now, one thing I have made it to this point in my life without is a male gynecologist and I'd like to keep it that way.  As she said though, just a talking meeting and he'd probably be okay with one of the females doing the actual IUI procedure - if I decided to do it in office.  The other alternative presented to me was something called
'the stork' which could potentially allow me to do what needs done at home, that COULD solve some of the timing issues (weekends and reducing the stress of not being able to go in when I actually ovulate).

I guess I'm going off of my pills and going to start tracking ovulation and periods.  We'll see.

This week could be the start of things again... I am sitting here attempting to create a list of questions and notes to take with me to my yearly exam on Thursday.  I am going to lay things out and if there isn't a willingness to try/do something different, I don't know if I can proceed trying again without a little more of a chance of the timing being assured.  In that case, I just don't know.

I did double check and one of the donors I had narrowed things down to remains available, at least right now he is.  If things sound hopeful I'd finish up this pack of pills and start tracking my cycles for the next few months with the intention to try in July.

Time is passing so fast

It's been more than a half a year since my last post and I remain without something new to say.

More and more people are joining my church, they too have 2, 3, 4, or like the couple this morning 6 little ones right there in front of me.  Others have had their first or second one in the past so many months. I think one of the toughest things to swallow is the rather heavy woman there, I mean large enough that she can hardly walk and carry the baby.  I am not stating this to mock her size, but rather to marvel.  There I was trying and being told that because I'm a bit heavy it could make it harder for me to get pregnant.  Seriously?  How are these women doing it?

I have a yearly appointment coming up next month, so I suppose I  need to figure out if I aim to try again this year (still being mindful of the forthcoming vacations).  I start to think I should stop the pills and get myself ready and then I think more and realize I'm still here in the same area, which means the timing will always be near impossible.

In the past year I've made feeble attempts to reach out to potential adoption places and have heard nothing back.  I know, I know, if I were serious I'd call, but I don't feel confident.  I wish I could just find the right guy and do this the old fashioned way, things would be a great deal easier.  But of course, the far and few options there all seem to already have their kids.