Watching time passing...

Nothing much to say as of late.  I remain on birth control, enjoying the shorter, less painful, and more predictable periods, but a bit pensive as I watch more time tick by.

In the mean time I've started eyeballing adoption websites again.  I just can't imagine those challenges in addition to conceding that I would not have someone that was _of_ me.  Now that's not what is stopping me, I know many kids out there need someone and yes, I'd love them and do the best I could for them.  I know too that adopting doesn't prevent me from finding Mr. Right and having one of my own either.

Adoption for me would probably not mean a baby.  As a single woman, I know some places would still shy away from me.  Heck, I look at profiles of older kids who state how they'd love to have a mom and dad and even siblings and realize how short I would fall of their expectations as well.

I guess right now I am just circling and trying to figure out what to do.  I know that lack of action doesn't slow down the clock.  What to do?

Anything that starts with one hundred... is too much.

Since my last post... I did stop bleeding, thank goodness, this past Saturday, making that period a full two weeks.  Come Monday I called the office back and didn't get another call... until that evening, when the doctor herself called and left me a message - including her cell phone number.  So, on Tuesday I talked with her and her only suggestion was to try and 'reset' my hormones a bit by going back on birth control.  Her belief is that this is what my body would go to on its own if left unchecked.  How unfair is that?  I don't know what that means for future attempts, but I guess it's off the table right now anyhow.

You see, with some issues at work it would be a really bad time to be pregnant.  I can't help but count the months and say if I had not had the problems back in February I'd be showing by now... and worrying about losing your job or trying to get another one in that situation is horrifying.

The next turn of events is that the prescription she sent in does not have a generic, so I just got nailed with a $120 bill for three months worth of pills.  So not cool.

Still going.

Yep, still going.  A great way to celebrate getting another year older tomorrow too.

I called the gyn office on Monday and they called in orders for blood work - thyroid and prolactin levels, both of which came back normal.  I found that out by calling the next day to ask for my results.  So I asked "what do we do next", which seemed to throw the nurse that the test didn't tell me all was fine.  I've been waiting since for another call back, which she said she'd give me after talking to the doctor to see what we should do next.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this office and how much they seem to dismiss and let their patients fall through cracks?

Up until today I didn't have cramps and it was pretty darn light, to the point that sometimes it would stop, I'd not get something from bathroom trip to the next or when wiping and then have a gush that came through my shorts before I could get out of the house and past the neighbors in an attempt to go on a walk.  Today I started to get slightly crampy.  What does it mean, what is wrong with me, and why doesn't anyone care?

Even more chaotic.

With work being tentative at best after less than a month I am wondering if more things don't happen for a reason than we realize.  I could have easily been, what - 6 months prego - if I hadn't had a miscarriage and ready to lose my job.  Who hires someone that would be off within 3 months?  No one, that's who.  I guess I'm lucky in that respect.

My crazy periods haven't stopped either.  Here's what I've dealt with since April.  The pink days indicate when I've been bleeding.  Looks like fun, doesn't it?  Best part is seeing how I bled as I left for vacation last month AND as I came back from it.

All over the place

As mentioned in my previous post, I ended up early in May having a period that started on the 7th.  Based on that I should have had my next period on the 1st.  I took an ovulation test and had a positive when it was expected, so I was expecting a period on the 1st-ish.  Since then I ended up bleeding, lightly, for three days starting on the 25th.  Today, June 3, I am again starting to spot, which is probably the result of the positive OV earlier in May.  But seriously - and extra half period?

Definitely Not

My period was a full 6 days earlier than it should have been.  That in and of itself is a negative in my mind, but I DID think about the fact that the miscarriage a few months ago hadn't been preceded by a single missed period. I was going to drop it until someone else mentioned the very same thing.  So, today, post-period, I decided to go ahead and use a pregnancy test anyhow (today is when I SHOULD have gotten my period).  So, definitely have a negative test.  This one, unlike so many OV tests was quite clearly negative too.

So, as early as I went, in theory I could try again this month, as I wouldn't/shouldn't land near the holiday, but my OV is still looking to be around a weekend, so I probably should just let it go.  I can at least say thanks that this shift should mean I won't be dealing with it while away on vacation.

Bloat bloat bloat

I'm up another 5lbs in a matter of days, so I suspect it's not that I am not eating well but instead the imminent arrival of my period.  This tells me I probably never had a positive reading because it came even before the Friday I thought it did.  I have a little bit of blood, highly doubtful we're talking implantation anything, it's just a precursor to the coming period.  I guess we'll see when it truly starts to figure out how far off I was.