A major shift has occurred since my previous post.
First:  I have purchased a clearblue fertilization monitor and sticks.  It arrived a bit too late to start using it this month, but next month I'll be using that.  I've been using my old pee sticks this month and here I am still getting negatives and wondering if I'll see a positive at all.

Second:  I put on the big girl panties and visited with a male gynecologist that one of the midwives recommended I speak with.  Since she had also dismissed the idea of using a trigger shot due to other risks I felt all was lost, but I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed we needed to move in that direction since my periods when I was last off of birth control were rather erratic.

This means I may need to find a way to come to terms with having a male gyno.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  He also sent me for another blood draw for an anti-mullerian hormone assessment, which will give us some insight as to my ovarian reserve.  The results of this test could shoot things out of consideration.  So now, we wait and track for a little while.

My body hates the idea of this so much that it even hosed up my period this month just because I went to talk to the doctor about it... I swear that's what it has to be.  Keep in mind I've been on birth control.  Yes, I planned on my pill Saturday night being my last one, but this cycle was using the pill, so I should start bleeding Wednesday, as I have for months and months while on the pill.  Um, no, I had a blob of blood this afternoon as I left work.  WTH.

Today's appt wasn't what I was hoping for - a big not recommended on the use of drugs to help ensure ovulation timing and a request to talk with one of the other doctors, a male doctor.  Now, one thing I have made it to this point in my life without is a male gynecologist and I'd like to keep it that way.  As she said though, just a talking meeting and he'd probably be okay with one of the females doing the actual IUI procedure - if I decided to do it in office.  The other alternative presented to me was something called
'the stork' which could potentially allow me to do what needs done at home, that COULD solve some of the timing issues (weekends and reducing the stress of not being able to go in when I actually ovulate).

I guess I'm going off of my pills and going to start tracking ovulation and periods.  We'll see.

This week could be the start of things again... I am sitting here attempting to create a list of questions and notes to take with me to my yearly exam on Thursday.  I am going to lay things out and if there isn't a willingness to try/do something different, I don't know if I can proceed trying again without a little more of a chance of the timing being assured.  In that case, I just don't know.

I did double check and one of the donors I had narrowed things down to remains available, at least right now he is.  If things sound hopeful I'd finish up this pack of pills and start tracking my cycles for the next few months with the intention to try in July.

Time is passing so fast

It's been more than a half a year since my last post and I remain without something new to say.

More and more people are joining my church, they too have 2, 3, 4, or like the couple this morning 6 little ones right there in front of me.  Others have had their first or second one in the past so many months. I think one of the toughest things to swallow is the rather heavy woman there, I mean large enough that she can hardly walk and carry the baby.  I am not stating this to mock her size, but rather to marvel.  There I was trying and being told that because I'm a bit heavy it could make it harder for me to get pregnant.  Seriously?  How are these women doing it?

I have a yearly appointment coming up next month, so I suppose I  need to figure out if I aim to try again this year (still being mindful of the forthcoming vacations).  I start to think I should stop the pills and get myself ready and then I think more and realize I'm still here in the same area, which means the timing will always be near impossible.

In the past year I've made feeble attempts to reach out to potential adoption places and have heard nothing back.  I know, I know, if I were serious I'd call, but I don't feel confident.  I wish I could just find the right guy and do this the old fashioned way, things would be a great deal easier.  But of course, the far and few options there all seem to already have their kids.

What Progress?

Five months later and I am still asking myself the very same questions.  I am finally back to a point where work is a little more stable, so that factor is lessened.  The quest for Mr. Right continues to be a very short story.  I've also planned vacations out to the end of 2014, which seems ridiculous, but it is another thing that would need handled if my child-status changed.

Since my last post I attended a work event that was family oriented.  I have to say how shocking it is that it seems like not only has everyone there reproduced, but they've done so 3, 4, or 5 times.  It's tough to swallow sometimes.

Watching time passing...

Nothing much to say as of late.  I remain on birth control, enjoying the shorter, less painful, and more predictable periods, but a bit pensive as I watch more time tick by.

In the mean time I've started eyeballing adoption websites again.  I just can't imagine those challenges in addition to conceding that I would not have someone that was _of_ me.  Now that's not what is stopping me, I know many kids out there need someone and yes, I'd love them and do the best I could for them.  I know too that adopting doesn't prevent me from finding Mr. Right and having one of my own either.

Adoption for me would probably not mean a baby.  As a single woman, I know some places would still shy away from me.  Heck, I look at profiles of older kids who state how they'd love to have a mom and dad and even siblings and realize how short I would fall of their expectations as well.

I guess right now I am just circling and trying to figure out what to do.  I know that lack of action doesn't slow down the clock.  What to do?