Today was different

My positive OV test this morning was almost a surprise. I really didn't expect it until tomorrow. Then I immediately thought, watch, the specimen won't arrive until too late in the day for me to make my 1:45 appointment, but even that worry was dashed when I saw it was delivered at 9:13.

Sure, I was nervous and anxious the first time I went and with the second and third there was a sense of anticipation, but today, my fourth round of trying felt very different. I was anxious like I don't recall even being the first time. The Midwife said the specimen looked good, so that too was a relief, since I reverted to the first donor again for this try. I also left with very little bleeding today. There was still a bit of pain, but it was on the lesser end. I do have to wonder if it is because my cervix was in a better 'state'.

So, thus begins the waiting period once again. Hmm. Wing night on Thursday and no booze. Boo.

Panic

The past few days I've had a sense of panic almost. This believe is what I want, but all of the doubts that creep in from time to time.

How can I do this on my own? That's ridiculous. I sure haven't had "my share" of dating, but so much for that if this works. There are no nights out or curling up with someone special. The dogs... how are they going to deal w/ things? Probably not well. So long to vacations. My vacation time will be for sick days. I still haven't figured out how to mention the idea much less the final product to my mother.

What am I doing? Why am I incapable of making most decisions and then so fearful and skittish of those I think I made (past tense).

Scheduled for try #4

Yesterday I got the bitchy nurse when I called to try and schedule an appointment. She gave me a hassle about scheduling and not being sure if I'll be ready. Um, I can't control that. After getting me agitated she was to call back and then didn't, so I had to call again today. I spoke with someone who, without saying so much, acknowledged that everyone knows that chic is a bit of a beotch with everyone.

The important part is however that I now have my appointment for Tuesday afternoon, providing the body cooperates, and I then called to get things shipping. I'm going with 2976 again, the donor who's one specimen was lackluster, but I'm hoping that the newer donations are more like those reported on the message boards. Of course, with Monday being a holiday they wanted me to pay more to overnight, but I figured I'd play the percentages. Chances are my Tuesday will need to become a Wednesday anyhow.

Visiting with a friend

So, I visited with a good friend who's baby is now two months old! First time I got to meet the baby, unfortunately. I really expected her to tell me things that would scare me off:
- how hard it is and tiring to have a baby
- how awful labor/birth was
etc, etc

Instead she noted that the birth itself wasn't bad, but she wasn't prepared for the labor pains and that it's hard work, but not THAT bad. The baby slept through dinner, and was perfectly peaceful, so that was comforting too.

I still need to just think that I'll try as planned this fourth time, and then I should qualify for a free specimen for the fifth try and then reassess from there. Heaven knows the financial Gods have helped line things up in the past two months to make sure that isn't a factor at this time, so let's go.

Vacation is over

I've looked at the past month and a half as vacation. Granted, there was a genuine vacation in there too, which is why I couldn't try at the beginning of August. For that matter, the lack of guaranteed work at the end of August had me worried until I returned from vacation. The good news is I am covered and confident again.

At present I have my period. It is, once again fraught with major cramps and had an odd start, which seems to be becoming my norm. The good news is it started a few days later than expected, which means for the first time in forever my ovulation should be expected during the week of September 5th, not the weekend!

On other news, my first donor, 2976, has become available in IUI once again. I guess this means I have to make a decision in the next week and a half as to which to use this round. 2976 was the preferred donor, but his sample was less than productive, and 4102 the second choice, which looks like he's starting to run low.

Negative, Negative, Negative

Still didn't get a positive OV yet this month... so I guess I could have ordered to have goodies arrive for use tomorrow or later in the week (I guess depending on when that positive happens). So should I order tomorrow for Wed? It prb wouldn't get here until Wed afternoon and couldn't be used til Tuesday, so I'm prb too late. But if I didn't get a positive tomorrow? Argh. I wish I could not think about this stuff.

I'm pretty thick, but... I hear you!

Ok, often 'signs' from a higher power seem to be so obscure and you can only see them clearly long after you missed them, right? I have to think that the praying and thinking I was doing yesterday on my drive home - as well as the 'deciding' I thought I was doing - all got an answer today.

First, it's a bit early, but I always start the OV tests a bit early. Today's failed, it had a bad result, okay, that's odd. Then I called to make an appointment for Friday and/or Monday at the gyn. My doctor is normally out Mondays, which I knew, but guess what - she's out Friday too. So is the midwife who I was hoping to schedule with as she was much less painful and created a much less bloody result. So both are out Friday and the nurse doesn't know if the other females there do IUIs. Really? I know for a fact, since one of them did my first one! But they didn't know, so no appointment Friday, but they said the midwife IS there Monday. A lot of good that does me if I am ovulating late this week and not early next week, right?

With the shipping timeline factored in I basically had to scrap this month. Next month, as previously mentioned is scrapped due to being out of town. So, where does that leave me? It sure sounds like someone is trying to tell me something. Of course, is that answer one in the same - does it mean I should be working to get the heck out of PA too?