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Later this month would have been one full year without a period. Instead, today I started spotting.  Very funny mother nature, well played.  I feel like I need to flip the sign at a work site saying how many days since there was an injury.

Major Tumble

Friday night we had our first major tumble.  It was about 45 minutes before bedtime, she was cruising about and stepped to move between her octopus ball toy and the coffee table.  Well, the coffee table was a bit further away than she had estimated.  I watched it from part way across the living room as she went forward, smashing her nose and lower face into the side of the coffee table.

Her nose was bleeding and talk about inconsolable crying.  I am not going to lie, I was terrified.  I held her and we dabbed the bit of blood.  Debating if we needed to go to the ER, her Dad searching the internet, and I clung to her, trying to get her calmed.  About 15 minutes later as she calmed down she started to seem drowsy, but it was close to her bedtime - tell me that doesn't compound your worries, even if you know she didn't hit the upper part of her face/head.

We got her totally calmed and down to bed with just a bit of tylenol for pain, but then woke her lightly 2 hours later to make sure she still seemed herself.  I didn't get a lot of sleep last night - no surprise, right?  She woke and cried out a few times requiring consolation and holding which is SUPER abnormal for her. I suspect she rolled and bumped a tender part.

Once I felt better that there wasn't a big concern of major issues and my mind calmed a little all I could think was "her beautiful face... please Lord, protect that beautiful face".  I fully expected to find two black eyes this morning.  Thank God she looks wonderful today, maybe a slight bit of swelling across her nose and that's it.  When she woke from her nap today she had a little more snotty blood coming out.  That and a small mark on her lip that looks more like she scratched herself and that's it.  We are so lucky.

This just was a bad week for sure with her going down ill and her fall. In between I went down a bit ill, probably with whatever she had, but fortunately it wasn't coming out as vomit.  Friday evening was quite a challenge to keep up with her as she was feeling well again, but I certainly was not - and very weak.  Thank goodness I went to bed immediately after she did on Friday night and I got 10 1/2 hours of sleep to help keep me covered for my lack of sleep the night before and then after she fell.

Another new food to report as well - rhubarb!

Mandatory Glucola poisoning complete

I've already pointed out how horrible glucola's ingredients are now today I can share how horrible it is in general.  Granted I was fearing way worse, but it definitely was not appealing.  It smelled like orange crush, which doesn't sound bad - but it didn't taste like flat soda to me.  There was an almost heavy feeling to it that had my stomach a little displeased before I left for my appointment.

It took them a little longer to get my blood draw past the hour point since they once again took a stab, couldn't get a vein and had to bring in the ob nurse.  She ended up sticking my hand - again.  I had 4 large pint glasses of water this morning so seriously, what is the problem here?  Regardless, it's done, now I wait and hope I don't need to concern myself with a 3-hour test and/or gestational diabetes.

Ob Appointment Update

I had my monthly Obgyn appointment today.  It was a bit of a wait, like an hour past my appointment time before I was taken back, so the water I had guzzled to make sure my veins were ready was already overflowed out the other side.

Today's heartbeat came in at a solid and well within typical range of 150bpm.  They needed to redo a platelet draw from last visit as something went awry there, so I was already getting stuck today.  After discussing some of the optional tests with my sweetheart I did have them add a few other items on the draw including a cystic fibrosis carrier test and a multiple test that may highlight any possible abnormalities as well as offer up gender information before the next ultrasound.  We draw the line at poking holes in the placenta at this point, but heaven knows if anything comes back abnormal we may need to rethink other tests.

Yes, they needed to try and hit both arms for the blood again today.  At least the second time was a charm.  Unbelievable given how much water I had drank before the appointment.

I also asked about the incredible back itch and had my concerns put at ease with regard to potential liver issues that show symptoms like this.

I'm still not seeing my weight jump upward, but I'm not sure what the diff was between doctor's visits.  Heaven knows clothes could alter that too.

Worries and planning ahead

I had a little spotting this morning when I made my first potty stop that scared me a little.  Again, given my past experience I know how dramatic a problem is, so I am not freaking out.  One more week until my next appointment, but I feel eager for it to check in and make sure all still sounds good there.  I get why some people buy their own fetal heart monitors.

My skin continues to be itchy on my back, but my stomach and chest are better at this point.

I did start a registry, not because I want people to buy me stuff - quite the contrary - but I know I can get a discount on items through Amazon if they're on my list.  It's also forcing me to research some items and determine what type of things we'd want and what the differences are (like carseats - infant or convertible).  This is going to be a lot of research.

More firsts

I had my first ob/gyn appointment here in my new location before heading out on vacation.  She was surprised to hear the heartbeat quickly on her lesser in office equipment, which clocked in at 162.  The blood draw was a nightmare that resulted in my hand getting stuck.  During the internal she noted the presence of a polyp, which is likely why I have been bleeding so easily.  The tests that came back told me I had my first ever UTI, which is crazy to me, since I've never hard one and I'm completely asymptomatic.  I'm assured however that isn't all that abnormal when pregnancies occur.  Also the one clumped up, but no biggie as it's better than it being too low.

I'm still closing the jeans I was in but I cannot suck in my gut as well as I once could. I'm still feeling pretty good with some minor bouts of tired (maybe that could be from the UTI even).  Thank goodness I have lots of time to get things unpacked and space created for the new addition.  As I am hitting week 12 today I am feeling a lot more confident we'll get to announce to the world.

A positively long time since I posted

It has been a long time since I posted here.  About a month after my last post I went on vacation with some friends.  One big thing happened as a result of that trip - one friend is no longer a friend, we started dating.  Picture the television whispy mist as two and a half years have now flown by.

I should catch you up on other things relevant to this blog that have transpired since then.  I was having some pains and abnormal bleeding.  With a few checks I learned I have a couple fibroids, nothing abnormal for my age.  More time passed, I was back on the pill for a while what with the new relationship and all, but went back off to try and get my body to regulate a little as I continued to bleed in the middle of the month while on the pill.

I've gone back and forth between the ob/gyn and my regular doctor, as the ob/gyn office sounds eager to help one minute and then blows me off with a "well I'll see you next year" the next minute.  My regular doctor ordered tests similar to those I most recently reported as having indicated bad mojo for how long I have and how many viable eggs I have.  Guess what, they never told me those tests need to be run at a certain point in the cycle - so this time things came back looking fine.  So my mind was at ease about the whole situation - all the while I am still not getting any younger.

A few months back I had the conversation about kids with my guy and indicated my concerns that I am almost out of time.  Much to my surprise we dispensed with the use of protection.  I wouldn't say I was actively trying because I wasn't tracking anything other than making a note on the calendar as to when I was bleeding - which was still more often than not, twice a month.

I know from my experience 5 years ago that I'd be a good candidate for a toilet baby.  I'm sure you're horrified reading that statement, but it's true.  I didn't realize I was pregnant when I had my miscarriage in Feb 2012.  I had some minor awareness that something was different, but I thought it was a cyst on my ovary or something.

I found myself a week ago commenting to a friend about pain when I rolled a little in bed to get the remote from the nightstand and how it wasn't a cramp and the pain went away instantly, just a quick jab.  Her comment "sounds like round ligament pain" and she commented about taking a test when she realized I was a couple days late for my period (I had not bled midmonth either - that was the second month that looked like it was going to be a full 28 day cycle).  I thought this was ridiculous because nothing had "happened since my last period".

Still, it got in my head.  I have tests at home, so on Friday I took one and boom.  So I did a second.  Still yes.  Mind blown, this can't be what it looked like I turned to the Internet.  Warning:  you know the internet will scare the crap out of you, so why do we do it?  After I was done I was even less in belief because I didn't have ANY of the classic 'symptoms'.  The one test told me I was 30% pregnant based on my answers *laugh*.  Instead I thought it could be issues with my kidneys, or possibly a growth on my ovaries or bladder (which should have been noted during the transvaginal ultrasound a year prior for fibroids), or simply my age.  Did you know that periomenopausal women can toss false positive tests because hcg starts to get produced at lower levels?  Me either.

I had just been in for typical yearly bloodwork - like JUST there - so I waited it out to see those results first.  When the blood workup came back looking good (no indication of infections etc) I asked the nurse to contact my doctor to request a blood test for a quantitative hcg.  I went that evening and my doctor was calling the next morning.  My number was 200,000.  Defn not "my age".

Since we're not really sure how far I am given my period in December after anything physical last happened we're approaching a little slower.  We'll do a second blood test on Monday to see if the numbers are still going up and then prb an ultrasound.  She didn't want to rush to that because of the fear it would be too early and you wouldn't find a heartbeat when there really would be one to find - soon!

I'm fighting to not let this get too real just in case.  But wow.  For now, one day at a time - and that includes finding a way to tell him I think I may be when we're together this weekend.

I can say that maybe it's mental, but in the past week I've definitely taken on the sleepy as all get out and wanting to eat everything in the world stereotypical behaviors.

A major shift has occurred since my previous post.
First:  I have purchased a clearblue fertilization monitor and sticks.  It arrived a bit too late to start using it this month, but next month I'll be using that.  I've been using my old pee sticks this month and here I am still getting negatives and wondering if I'll see a positive at all.

Second:  I put on the big girl panties and visited with a male gynecologist that one of the midwives recommended I speak with.  Since she had also dismissed the idea of using a trigger shot due to other risks I felt all was lost, but I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed we needed to move in that direction since my periods when I was last off of birth control were rather erratic.

This means I may need to find a way to come to terms with having a male gyno.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  He also sent me for another blood draw for an anti-mullerian hormone assessment, which will give us some insight as to my ovarian reserve.  The results of this test could shoot things out of consideration.  So now, we wait and track for a little while.

Still going.

Yep, still going.  A great way to celebrate getting another year older tomorrow too.

I called the gyn office on Monday and they called in orders for blood work - thyroid and prolactin levels, both of which came back normal.  I found that out by calling the next day to ask for my results.  So I asked "what do we do next", which seemed to throw the nurse that the test didn't tell me all was fine.  I've been waiting since for another call back, which she said she'd give me after talking to the doctor to see what we should do next.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this office and how much they seem to dismiss and let their patients fall through cracks?

Up until today I didn't have cramps and it was pretty darn light, to the point that sometimes it would stop, I'd not get something from bathroom trip to the next or when wiping and then have a gush that came through my shorts before I could get out of the house and past the neighbors in an attempt to go on a walk.  Today I started to get slightly crampy.  What does it mean, what is wrong with me, and why doesn't anyone care?

Blowing my (free) load

So to bring the world back up to speed... very negative for the weekend, some light blood (ovulation bleeding?) on Sunday, and not one, but two not quite positives on Monday to match Friday, Tuesday another very negative.  I had called the doctor's office on Monday and debated my options.

Note that if I sent the specimen back next month my ovulation is again near a weekend, but this time with a Monday that is a holiday.  June is vacation.  So I would have been paying for storage for 3 months.  Given that and the oddities this weekend the Midwife said let's do it.  Either way I feel the 'free' specimen was a loss - and it still cost around $500 between the price difference, shipping, and the actual IUI.

So, on Tuesday I was in the office once again for IUI.  I have zero hopes of it producing any results, but who knows, right?  Heaven knows my timing hasn't been right thus far.

They said it.

Results back today on the second blood draw, only got them I think because I called there - which kind of irritates me. Down to 83.5 on the HCG, so dropping. The nurse I spoke with actually said it out loud that I definitely had a miscarriage, so there you have it.

I'm still hurting in waves. This morning and this evening walking out into the cold air just sent my bits into spasms. I took a warm shower and cuddled with the heating pad for an hour to get to the point that I'm writing this now.

Of course when I called the doctors were all gone from the office and she "didn't know what to tell me - go to the ER?" Why didn't I get a call back about the order for a sonogram that I had mentioned to the receptionist on Thursday when I stopped to get the order for the blood draw?

When the waves of pain hit the ER does sound like an option, but the panic that would ensue if a male doctor was ready to head down that way keeps me from going there. When I feel better, like now, I am able to delude myself for a short period of time that maybe, just maybe it will go away on its own.

Still!

The pain has continued. Let me tell you how displeasing it is to think it's just gas, eventually buy gasx and not see any changes. I'm presently resting on a heating pad, after a hot shower, waiting for tylenol to kick in to take the pain down a bit. Last night I was woken at 5am and a hot shower actually let me get back to sleep. Eating just adds pressure, so I need to eat smaller bits to keep myself going as to avoid the major issues.

So, on Tuesday I went to see my regular doctor, and after explaining things to her she too thought it was odd the gyn wouldn't want to see me. I was going to head for bloodwork anyhow, so she added a HCG test to that draw. Today's call said my levels were at 181. A non-pregnant woman would be <5. So, it is very possible I was, at some point. She wants a second test run, so I'll pick up those orders on the way to work tomorrow. I guess we're looking to see if those levels are dropping. In the mean time, I have to admit, it never crossed my mind to take one of my tests. They should register if I am above 50.

If I was then I can take away from this that my body does function and that fresh stuff, despite condoms, is definitely more functional than frozen. But it does leave me pensive.

What a horrifying morning

Last night I slept so very little. I was awakened often with waves of cramps that have become way too much of the norm for my period as of late. Now, keep in mind as I tell this story this is the period after my second month back on birth control. I had started taking Vitex as well, which the Midwife had recommended. Yes, I had looked into it with birth control online and only saw warnings that it could lower the effectiveness of birth control, not of any worrisome potential repercussions. That said...

:warning - there will be rather graphic comments below:

Fortunately, I made it through the night. I got up to put the dogs out in the morning and felt the gush that comes with gravity pulling at my body, so I hustled to the bathroom. Wow was it heavy, shockingly heavy. I remain in waves of pain, but head into the shower to get cleaned up for work. While there and cleaning myself the blood is just RUSHING down my legs. I've never never never seen more than just a little bit of pinkish red when things are heavy and I'm in the shower. It just keeps coming. I gave a wee bit of a push and glop, glop, glop. Blood clots were pounding the bathtub - again, extra horrid and something I've never had happen before to this capacity.

As the shower water continues to flow so does the blood down my legs, this is starting to feel scary. The large clots that just came from me started washing towards the drain, all but one. I even tried kicking a bit of water at the last remaining large glop and it didn't budge. This is getting even scarier.

I wash myself again, and once again, red - not pink, water and soap is rushing down my legs. I decided to get the rest of me cleaned up so I can try to deal with the situation and then clean there again with the same result. I quickly dried myself off and wiped things up at the toilet to find more clots and more blood. I took some basic precautions and proceeded to try and get dressed to find I needed to rush back to the toilet several times to change things out to prevent bleeding out.

During the course of all of this I also gathered up the more mysterious clot from the tub, this thing had some substance to it. I'm now thinking I need to get ready for work, but stop at urgent care on the way to work, taking this rather gruesome talking point with me. I'm fine, I'm sure, but... scared, so I need to do something. What exactly came out of me? Why am I still bleeding like crazy in combination with some of the strongest cramps I've ever experienced?

Well, urgent care isn't open til 9. Ok, that's when the doctor's offices open too, so I head the rest of the way to work and rush in to tend to things again to prevent a bleed out before I get to my desk. The cramp waves are now worse than anything I've ever experienced, and I'm back in the bathroom several more times before I can call the gyn at 9. This is horrible.

I call and leave a message, as one has to do there ... and I wait. I've already decided I'm not taking the Vitex this morning, just in case. This time I only wait for about an hour for a call back *rolls eyes* The nurse collects info, I tell her everything including the scary clot, and she says she'll speak to the doctor and call me back. They finally call back around 11:40, after how many more waves of cramps and more urgent trips to the bathroom - including the one that seems also to be normal now which has me nauseated, drooling in preparation to vomit, and pale as a sheet for a good 45 seconds.

Stop the vitex, that w/ bc is causing this. Take 800mg of ibuprofin 3x a day for up to 5 days to slow the bleeding. They don't want to see me. I really think considering what I described coming out of me and how abnormal this is for me they would want to see me or the clot, something. Nope.

The larger amounts of midol I took in the morning had the cramp waves start to subside a bit by lunch time, thank goodness. As I write this they are pretty much gone and the bleeding has most definitely slowed to something that doesn't have me terrified.

I did pull the clot back out to try and move it around and there is chunkier things in it as well as a white type of tube-shaped something. I've googled the hell out of things looking for disgusting images of miscarriage materials to try and validate myself one way or the other.

So, is it possible that all this time, since last summer when I thought something 'changed' from the tries... maybe I was pregnant at some point, it wasn't viable and it just didn't clear out until after two months of birth control and then vitex working to regulate (it says do not take while pregnant)? Am I just crazy? I'm very tempted to take photos of what came out of me, it seems so wrong to toss it out and not try to know for sure what I'm looking at.

What an interesting turn of events in my world, no? The lack of response or seeming caring from the gyn's office troubles me even further. It's not like we did blood tests looking for pregnancies at any point.

Quite Quiet

I've put myself on a wait for a few reasons. One, my desire to vacation with my niece in June, starting to see someone, and some issues with my body in general.

Needless to say being overly prego would nix a vacation. I did start seeing someone and I've told him that I was trying with donor sperm, but I do think it would be odd to be actively trying while with someone else, perhaps a mistake.

Finally, the issues with my body... which just had me start taking birth control pills again last night. As of tomorrow it will be two weeks straight that I've had bleeding of some type. I'm tired of bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. I cramped up on Saturday too, telling me that I was fixing for more blood. Now, combine this goofiness with starting to see someone and you can imagine my concern - what if I am not (only) ovulating when I think I am? There could easily be a big issue, which I'd rather avoid. For now I am just hoping that the pills will get me back to some level of normal - and not feeling like I am constantly bleeding or oozing (ovulation = thicker discharges).

I'll be back, at some point. But for now I am taking a break, and despite a bit of panic that I am half way to 37 and the audible ticking, now isn't the right time.

Definitely not

I didn't have to wait long, I definitely have period bleeding, and the cramping that goes with it - already. This also means my body only gave me one month of peak fertility mid-week and it was at a holiday week! Back to Saturday peak OV likelihood, yay.

I wish MyMonthlyCycles gave a better overlaid calendar view, where I could see my period, the dates I had positive OV tests, and when they had anticipated the ovulation all in one.

And then some...

Yea, I'm still getting some clots and bleeding, it slowed down such that it's only occurring when (TMI-warning) I poop, but still... *sigh* the rest of the time I am getting a light (in color and in amount) brown bleeding. Now THAT is consistent with potential implantation bleeding, but I'd only consider that a possibility if there wasn't the clots and other, fresh blood.

Give me blood, blood, gallons of the stuff...

Had to toss a quote from My Chemical Romance in there... since the procedure I've had spurts of bleeding, which seems to be the norm for post-IUI. I could do without the clots though. I know it sounds silly, but I do wonder if the act of bleeding as such could "wash" something out. I consider myself fairly well educated, but do you think I know if that's even possible? Try searching for it on google and you can't get too many straight answers either. No, it's too early and not quite right to be "implantation bleeding", to me, it's just a sign it's not going to happen.

Bleeding Again

I started to bleed yesterday. Chances of it being implantation bleeding? Or is my period starting 6 days despite my ovulation tests popping along the timeline (granted earlier couple of days) according to the MyMonthlyCycles calendar. I think the closest to a baby I'm getting is going to be the overabundance of kids that were at the baby shower this past Saturday or in the dream I had last night of holding a baby (while driving, but hey, it was a dream).

Ultrasound - not how I ever imagined it

Headed in once again this morning, today for an ultrasound. Now, if you're like me you're imagining the one you see on TV. Well, if I had read the paperwork they gave me before I was waiting for my appointment I would have known I was instead getting a transvaginal sonography. Yep, it's what it sounds like. At least it wasn't as uncomfortable as a normal yearly exam.

I also got to talk to the nurse and got my test results from last week back. All looked good yadda yadda, and most importantly to ME is that I now know my blood type, which is A+. They didn't say if I was Rh- or Rh+, but I'm betting + since that is the norm. At least I have one more factor by which to shop donors with.

First Doctor Appointment

It's a new year and the first new step came about... today I had my first doctor's appointment, meeting my new gynocologist, talking to her about my intentions, and, yes - heading to get blood drawn as the next first step.

Go figure I had to go to a blood draw office where I knew someone, and yes, she is the one that checked me in, so I got to shock someone else with this "news".  7 vials of blood and several hours later I finally got to head to work.  Even if I don't go all the way with this I'll know what my blood type is.

The other first steps I need to start up on is tracking my ovulation, taking prenatals, and taking some folic acid.  My next appointment is set for Thursday the 13th, and we'll do a sonogram.  Talk about a seeming whirlwind.