The big show

Spoiler alert:  I am back dating this post to the date and time all of this started to happen.  You can probably guess how it ended.

So the doctor had arrived by the time we got to pushing.  I remember that they wanted me to try to push before I was fully dilated.  At that point, they suggested some pitocin to finish my cervix out that last half centimeter or whatever.  I had a hep lock in as my intention was to go no drugs (you'll note I have NOT mentioned pain medication to this point.  I'm going to bring it up again because I'm hella proud) - so it was pretty easy to get that on.  After the pitocin did it's job it was show time.

I'm told I pushed for about an hour and a half.  Fact is, I don't understand how ANYONE with pain medication or feeling blocking medication could ever possibly push a child out.  You have to be so aware of what you feel working, and even when you can feel it working it is very hard to get right back into that same feeling with the next round.  It also helped to have the doctor placing fingers to give me an area to focus on.  At some point they put oxygen on me and it gave me a moment of clarity in the midst of the mental avoidance of the pain where it hit me and I remember asking if they were worried about the baby.

That last little bit did indeed hurt like crazy.  But then she was here, in this world.  They placed her on me for a rather short period of time as she was grunting rather than crying and they wanted me to get a moment but they also wanted to take care of her.  It seems like while she didn't poo before my water broke, she did somewhere between when it did and when she arrived so they had some concern there, although that wasn't necessarily the breathing thing.

It wasn't long at all before my placenta was out... I'll do the follow up comments here as it seems relevant:  they later assessed the placenta and saw no cause for my bleeding in the week leading up (as in it was not deteriorating or starting to separate from my uterus, so it wasn't causing her to not get enough oxygen and create any other issues there).

After a little while with Daddy watching over her on the sidelines they took her away to the level 2 nursery.  Return reports said that blood worked showed some of the white blood cells were elevated, so they started an IV, at which means she needed to stay in the level 2 nursery until that was removed.  It also means she was receiving fluids, so she wouldn't be getting early early milk - a big disappointment to me.  She remained there with both the IV and oxygen for the first twenty four hours.  As the blood levels started to normalize we started bringing her pumped colostrum they were able to slowly bring the level of IV fluids down.

Once we were to a safe level she was returned to our room at 2am - 23 hours after her birth.  They then were testing blood sugars, which seemed to be too low and lower each time a test was taken after each meal.  So we had another slight worry on our minds.  If it had gone any lower she would have needed to head back to the level 2 nursery.  Fortunately, a secondary type of test showed things were okay and suddenly the in room test was starting to give better readings (thank the Lord).

All of this did still mean that she was not going to get released with me the next day (Saturday).  Fortunately, the hospital gets it - and they allowed us to stay another night after I was discharged to room in with her.  We also got lucky and the L&D department didn't get over run so we got to stay in the larger room the whole time.  It was nice to have meals coming from the cafeteria and attentive care and guidance from the whole staff (nurses, peds, lactation consultant, and even the clean up and meal delivery folks) - truly, I appreciate what they did for us.

Other things that surprised me:
- You spend hours with a conscious exhale going on to breathe away the pain.  Then you get to pushing and their expectations of you to hold your breath for 10 seconds x 3 feels like an absolute eternity.
- This shouldn't really surprise me, but - Good golly, having an oxygen mask, doing all of that breathing with your mouth open, and allowing a few screams (oh yes I did) out sure dries out your throat.  I ended up asking them for losenges.
- Again, no pain drugs.  I did it!  This is the one thing I wanted so much as I do feel that one intervention leads to another.  I had my doubts (and voiced them) even before we left the house with the doula.
- After the head came it felt like a limb, another limb, another limb, another limb... also came.  Did I just give birth to an octopus?

To make the formal announcement:
Avery Violet joined us on Thursday, August 24 at 3:05am.  She was 7 lbs, 15 1/2 oz, and 19".  My good girl listened and waited to not be a Leo!

Leading up to the big show

Spoiler alert:  I am back dating this post to the date and time all of this started to happen.  You can probably guess how it ended.

Around 2am the pain began.  I couldn't get comfortable on either side as the cramps started.  I kind of knew it my heart it was the start of labor - like I said in a previous post, I was looking for signs - but I had no clue how much so.  While I couldn't sleep I sent a few messages on to my guy that made it sound like I felt something was definitely going on.

By 4am I turned to my back and managed to get comfortable and fell asleep.  I was up with my alarm and at my work desk.  All morning I could feel things going on but I was waiting it out to get confirmation at my noon doctor's appointment.  My guy went into work briefly and then came this way to join me at the doctor's appointment (at his suggestion).  I kind of thought I'd get to the doctor and she'd say congrats you're now 2cm.  Imagine my surprise to learn I was at 4cm!  She asked if I wanted to head to L&D as she was willing to send me and she thought for sure we'd see her on that day.  This was definitely happening!  We opted to go home and labor there as long as possible - and to get the girls to camp.

We were to have a meeting at my place w/ the doula this evening, so I guess she was coming either way.  Later in the afternoon things were getting rather unpleasant and by the time she arrived I was already waffling if we should just meet her at the hospital or what.  I'm not sure how long the doula was here, but for a little while before we headed out - and the rest of the times get muddled in my head - but we got to the hospital just as the sun was setting (which I googled was at 8:09).

Upon arrival I was 7cm.  I gotta admit there are lots of bits and pieces missing.  I remember getting out of the car and into the wheelchair and the ride to triage.  I don't recall getting my clothes off in triage or moving to the room just down the hall where I labored.  There are plenty of pieces of the labor - mostly waves of pain that I do recall.  I think I spent most of it - or at least until Dr P got there with my eyes closed just trying to get through.

I remember the nurse coming in to check me again so the doctor could decide if she needed to get in there.  I do remember my guy commenting that it was 11pm. Not sure when Doc arrived.  But I know we didn't start pushing until what is technically 8/24.

A major shift has occurred since my previous post.
First:  I have purchased a clearblue fertilization monitor and sticks.  It arrived a bit too late to start using it this month, but next month I'll be using that.  I've been using my old pee sticks this month and here I am still getting negatives and wondering if I'll see a positive at all.

Second:  I put on the big girl panties and visited with a male gynecologist that one of the midwives recommended I speak with.  Since she had also dismissed the idea of using a trigger shot due to other risks I felt all was lost, but I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed we needed to move in that direction since my periods when I was last off of birth control were rather erratic.

This means I may need to find a way to come to terms with having a male gyno.  I'm still not sure how I feel about that.  He also sent me for another blood draw for an anti-mullerian hormone assessment, which will give us some insight as to my ovarian reserve.  The results of this test could shoot things out of consideration.  So now, we wait and track for a little while.

What a horrifying morning

Last night I slept so very little. I was awakened often with waves of cramps that have become way too much of the norm for my period as of late. Now, keep in mind as I tell this story this is the period after my second month back on birth control. I had started taking Vitex as well, which the Midwife had recommended. Yes, I had looked into it with birth control online and only saw warnings that it could lower the effectiveness of birth control, not of any worrisome potential repercussions. That said...

:warning - there will be rather graphic comments below:

Fortunately, I made it through the night. I got up to put the dogs out in the morning and felt the gush that comes with gravity pulling at my body, so I hustled to the bathroom. Wow was it heavy, shockingly heavy. I remain in waves of pain, but head into the shower to get cleaned up for work. While there and cleaning myself the blood is just RUSHING down my legs. I've never never never seen more than just a little bit of pinkish red when things are heavy and I'm in the shower. It just keeps coming. I gave a wee bit of a push and glop, glop, glop. Blood clots were pounding the bathtub - again, extra horrid and something I've never had happen before to this capacity.

As the shower water continues to flow so does the blood down my legs, this is starting to feel scary. The large clots that just came from me started washing towards the drain, all but one. I even tried kicking a bit of water at the last remaining large glop and it didn't budge. This is getting even scarier.

I wash myself again, and once again, red - not pink, water and soap is rushing down my legs. I decided to get the rest of me cleaned up so I can try to deal with the situation and then clean there again with the same result. I quickly dried myself off and wiped things up at the toilet to find more clots and more blood. I took some basic precautions and proceeded to try and get dressed to find I needed to rush back to the toilet several times to change things out to prevent bleeding out.

During the course of all of this I also gathered up the more mysterious clot from the tub, this thing had some substance to it. I'm now thinking I need to get ready for work, but stop at urgent care on the way to work, taking this rather gruesome talking point with me. I'm fine, I'm sure, but... scared, so I need to do something. What exactly came out of me? Why am I still bleeding like crazy in combination with some of the strongest cramps I've ever experienced?

Well, urgent care isn't open til 9. Ok, that's when the doctor's offices open too, so I head the rest of the way to work and rush in to tend to things again to prevent a bleed out before I get to my desk. The cramp waves are now worse than anything I've ever experienced, and I'm back in the bathroom several more times before I can call the gyn at 9. This is horrible.

I call and leave a message, as one has to do there ... and I wait. I've already decided I'm not taking the Vitex this morning, just in case. This time I only wait for about an hour for a call back *rolls eyes* The nurse collects info, I tell her everything including the scary clot, and she says she'll speak to the doctor and call me back. They finally call back around 11:40, after how many more waves of cramps and more urgent trips to the bathroom - including the one that seems also to be normal now which has me nauseated, drooling in preparation to vomit, and pale as a sheet for a good 45 seconds.

Stop the vitex, that w/ bc is causing this. Take 800mg of ibuprofin 3x a day for up to 5 days to slow the bleeding. They don't want to see me. I really think considering what I described coming out of me and how abnormal this is for me they would want to see me or the clot, something. Nope.

The larger amounts of midol I took in the morning had the cramp waves start to subside a bit by lunch time, thank goodness. As I write this they are pretty much gone and the bleeding has most definitely slowed to something that doesn't have me terrified.

I did pull the clot back out to try and move it around and there is chunkier things in it as well as a white type of tube-shaped something. I've googled the hell out of things looking for disgusting images of miscarriage materials to try and validate myself one way or the other.

So, is it possible that all this time, since last summer when I thought something 'changed' from the tries... maybe I was pregnant at some point, it wasn't viable and it just didn't clear out until after two months of birth control and then vitex working to regulate (it says do not take while pregnant)? Am I just crazy? I'm very tempted to take photos of what came out of me, it seems so wrong to toss it out and not try to know for sure what I'm looking at.

What an interesting turn of events in my world, no? The lack of response or seeming caring from the gyn's office troubles me even further. It's not like we did blood tests looking for pregnancies at any point.

It's just not the best circumstances.

The prices are going up for specimens, which presses me to think and make more decisions on timelines and such. This always brings me back to a few issues - all relating to where I am.
1). The lack of options if my ovulation lands on a weekend.
2). The less than involved doctor's office I have. I shouldn't have to be the one to bring up the conversation of using something to trigger ovulation, but I think that's where I am.

To be honest, I'm long overdue for a regular exam (fun), so I need to make an appointment anyhow. Perhaps it can be a talking appointment too so I can get their view, opinions, and see if MW V will be more on board and active in my quest, like I'd think she would be, vs Dr S.

Sadly, I suspect I won't get a pap appointment for over a month out. But, since I started another pack of pills on Sunday, is that a big issue? Probably not.

On another note, both of my favorited donors are showing as having IUI units available.